191

How many days it’s been since I’ve had a drink, drug or pill to make it all go away.

 When I first stopped drinking, I made a list of truths about my drinking. I was told to do this to see my powerlessness in the situation. I tucked this list way in my big book on day 2 of rehab after my first step. There were items I was too embarrassed to admit out loud; today I’m ready to share the full list:

1. I cannot remember tucking in the kids into bed at night.
2. I sneak drinks to hide how much I drink.
3. I drink before I go out so you don’t see how much I drink.
4. I hide bottles in sheet and blankets around the house and in my trunk of my car.
5. I promise to just drink a few and I mean it, I can not RELAY do that.
6. I always want more than one glass of wine, always.
7. I drive often drunk.
8. I slur when I read books to my son at night.
9. I black out often.
10. I pick fights when I’m drunk and don’t remember them.
11. I drink to overcome a hangover.
12. I hate who I am. I am filled with regret and disappointment all the time.
13. I can’t concentrate on anything at work because I shake all day.
14. I will drink anything with alcohol in it, even if it tastes awful.
15. I avoid social situations so that I can drink my way.
16. I keep my kids out of evening activities so that I can drink.
17. I drink every day.
18. I pat myself on the back for taking a day off.
19. I drink less when people are around so they don’t know how much I drink.
20. I plan my day around getting the first drink.
21. I rush my kids through their bedtime routine so I can drink.
22. I wake up in the morning and don’t remember anything past dinner (sometimes I don’t remember dinner).
23. I have the shakes in the morning.
24. I have had night sweats every night for the last three years.
25. I believe my marriage will fall apart if I quit drinking.
26. I believe my marriage will fall apart if I don’t quit drinking.

This list reminds me how delusional my thinking is.  Regardless off all the obvious signs my mind would always tell me “This time will be different.” “This time we’ll have fun.”

 

That never did happen for me.  I became so incredibly miserable that I had no choice but to admit defeat to God and give over my will.  I found my self trying to put into words the way I feel now that I no longer have to live in the insanity.

Happy was the word that came to mind but, I’m so much more than just happy.

I wake up in the morning and like who I am.  I can start my day without dread.  I look forward to bed at night and time with the kids. I have peace in my heart I never had before.

 

I really never thought I’d get here.NEVER. But now that I’m here, I feel such gratitude that if the list above was a checklist, I would currently score zero.

 

 Thanks so much for reading. Knowing you are out there, and that you understand all of this, has been an incredible support for me. I thought I was alone.