How many days it’s been since I’ve had a drink, drug or pill to make it all go away.
These are words that I find myself saying everyday. A constant reminder that “I am strong and can do this.”
Sobriety was never anything I thought would be easy and in the beginning. I really thought it would be down right impossible. But through the last few months I have realized my inner strength and my ability to get through hard times with out having to use or get loaded.
What I have learned over the last 130 days is that I can feel bad, without being or doing bad. I always thought they were the same thing. Emotions often dictated my attitude and my behavior. I have learned over the time that I can have ” feelings” with out having to completely loose myself in them. Yes, the ever so dramatic..FML, I can’t believe this is happening to me attitude is starting to dissolve away.
Over the last four months I have actually dealt with an array of things I never thought I would be able to get through sober. Things that were a sure sign I would need a drink at night have been bestowed upon me and I have manger to stay sober.
-My Grandmother died on my 30 day mark and I didn’t drink.
-My son broke his jaw at school three days later.
-My grandfather passed away 6 weeks after my grandmother.
-My husband lost his job.
The biggest thing that I have changed in sobriety is my attitude. I am no longer looking for reasons to drink. Situations do not dictate my feelings. I am, with the grace of God, in control of myself for the first time in a long time. I wake up every morning and say a little prayer to get through the day. At night before bed I hit my knees and thank God for the gift of sobriety. But most importantly, I take life one day at a time.
105 days today.
I never thought I would get to type those words. Really, never. Towards my very desperate end of my struggle I was convinced I would die a drunk.
I felt completely hopeless, desperate and willing to try anything to change.
Now that I can look back I see that my hopelessness was my saving grace.My complete willingness to do anything suggested was how I got here today. I won’t go on and on about how or why. I just wanted to make a short list of things I’ve been capable of doing or accomplished in the last 100 days.
- I managed to take a month off work to work on myself. It REALY is possible.
- I can go to the grocery store at 8pm at night to get milk when I’m running low.
- I’ve been bowling and can remember it.
- I learned “No.” is a sentence.
- I started dealing with my past, Therapeutically and learned how to let go. Really let go…
- I’ve learned to not need to be perfect, hence I now have an extremely messy house and I don’t care.
- I’ve met Women I like..”gasp” I know..
Tell me some of the thing you’ve gained in early sobriety.
That’s where I’m at today. This is the first time in long time that I’m seriously doing everything that is “suggested” to keep the course. I’m waiting it out to make sure it will stick this time. So, more writing after I hit 90 days.
Fear is really what it boiled down to for me. Fear of not knowing what was going to happen next. That was it..not being able to predict the future.
It was a regular week for me. Sitting in self pity about my drinking problem. I felt like shit when I didn’t have a drink and even worse when I did. MY life on the outside seemed great. Good job, big house, husband, kids, a nice car. Everything on the outside looked so pretty. If only you could look in and see the real me.
Finally, I had found myself sitting in my bedroom, with a bottle of pills in one hand and a bottle of booze in the other. I was in tears writing out my goodbye letter to my kids and husband. I couldn’t take it any more. This had to stop somehow.
I didn’t take the pills that night. I’m not sure why but I threw them in my top drawer and cried myself to sleep. I woke up the next morning and vowed to never take another drink . By the next day I was drinking again.
I’ve heard a many times the sense of hopelessness that one feels as an alcoholic. I had never really understood what that had meant until the very moment the glass of wine hit my lips. I knew it was bad, I knew I didn’t want to keep drinking like this, yet my brain kept saying “Just one drink.”
That was the bottom for me. It was it, the moment that I realized there was nothing I could do to help myself. I got on my knees and prayed. What happened to me over the course of the next five weeks was nothing short of a miracle.
I gave over my will to god and asked for help and it came. I don’t know how or why it works the way it does,but I have started on a new journey of sobriety and I’m currently 41 days strong.
I’ve been reading through an AA book recently based on spirituality and Devine experiences of God removing the obsession of drinking. As I was paging threw this book last night, I read over and over of numerous experiences of God just removing the desire to drink once you’ve taken the third step to let go and let god.
There was a prayer “God, I offer myself to you – to build me and do with me as you will. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do your will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of your power, your love, and The Way of life. May I do your will always!”
See here is the thing; I’ve said this prayer maybe not word for word many times in my life over the last year. I have been removed a few times of my obsession from drinking and find that as time goes on I find the obsession fades away slowly, as with any other thing. Then it comes back one day; and yes I do pray to my greater power every night. Not to ask him to change me or make my life easier but to take me into his hands and do with me as he wills.
I do believe my higher power defiantly has a say in my life, I would not be here without him, but what are these Devine experiences that as these people speak of. I haven’t had that “Ah ha!” Moment yet in life, like a whoosh and all obsessions are gone. Is it really true that this happens to everyone at some point?
I guess what I’m asking is what has your experience been of taking the third step and any advice that you may have for me.
So the other woman called my hubby last night. Actually it was her new boyfriend. Lovely, they know each other because they use to work together.(Nice to know she’s keeping it in the workplace still, management must be so proud.) He called to asked something about how he cooked a steak or some other bullshit. Basically to fuck with us, I mean me. Huge trigger by the way when this stuff comes up and it’s been two years.
So. BIG HUGE FIGHT WITH HUBBY. Actually, it only lasted 3 minutes. I took the advise of a blogger on here and when huge trigger shit comes up, Belle says go to bed. So, I went to bed! First thing as I climbed into bed sobbing was my voice in my head “Let’s go get a bottle of wine, it’ll make us feel better.”
My doctor recognizes I have and alcohol problem but also panic attacks are a real thing for me. I get ten Ativan a year for emergencies. I went down stairs and took an anxiety pill. It’s been five months since I took one. I woke up at 12am. The voice in my head reminded me I had one more hour to get booze. I went back to sleep. I woke up at 3 am and the voice was pissed! “Now we’re fucked, we’ll have to wait until tomorrow morning to get booze, great job!”
I woke up this morning and the first thing I thought was “DRINK!” I thought, fuck, I’m seriously screwed today, how do I get through this? I put on my running shoes and stepped outside.
It was raining lightly this morning and I thought that would help to wash away the pain I was feeling. I decide to run until the voice stopped. One hour, 22 minutes and seven miles later the voice in my head went away. By the end of my run, soaking wet, because a small drizzle had turned into a heavy rain, I was at peace.
“Ha, take that!”, I thought. It’s mine and you can’t have it! “I’m having a good day today!” Today is my day 52 and I wasn’t going to give it up.