Long walks down the Isle’s at Target

Just kidding…. I hate Target.  I don’t get it. I feel like it’s full of eccentric home décor, lots of super cute moms with the perfect messy buns, expensive makeup and sweet little children all dressed in clean clothes with matching socks.  That just has never been my life. Matching socks, cute kids or the perfect messy bun.

I’m at day 416 today and feeling as lost as when I walk into a Target.  Maybe I’m not lost, maybe I’m just down.  It could also totally  be depression and because I’m aware of that, I have also made an appointment with a Therapist at the first of the month.

It’s just been so weird lately.  I can start my mornings feeling UP UP UP and by the end of the day I’m in a funk.  This has been happening to me for a few weeks now. It could be a holiday thing, since I do hate the holidays. Maybe it’s because my oldest is not living with me and is on his way to a mental institution long term.  I have not talked or seen him in over four weeks.

I recognize that I’m his mother but I’m also codependent  in my behavior and wanting to fix him.  This at times can be absolutely exhausting.

I’m praying, mediating, helping others and reaching out, but this “feeling” is sticking right now.

I walked down the liquor isle last night at Walmart.  It was not a short cut to anything I needed nor was there a purpose. I walked past the wine and my body cringed. Thank God for that. I’m not sure why I did that, I don’t want to drink, but it’s this little piece of me inside that says “Lets be dangerous, let’s be impulsive. It’ll make you feel better.”

I’m glad I can recognize that insanity in my head that I once use to listen to. I’ve just never been in a place in life with the self-awareness to realize how uncomfortable life can make me feel.

Sobriety is about transparency and honesty and I have to constantly stay on my toes.  Everything takes time and everything will eventually become something that will pass.  Today I am reminding myself, Just because I’m feeling bad, it doesn’t mean I’m doing bad.

 

Messy Jessy

Advertisements

My son is a Sociopath

It’s tough to say this out loud. It hurts when I hear it from countless professionals. And It’s difficult to talk about to those I love. But, my son is a sociopath and I need to talk to someone.

From a very young age I knew something was not “right” I was told Autism, Asperger’s. We believed it, we thought it could be treated and then we moved on.

By Kindergarten’s first year, trouble started brewing. He was violent and aggressive with students and teachers. He first threatened to kill himself and another child at age six. I thought it was a phase, I remember the administration telling me what had happened and what he had said. I was concerned, I didn’t know what to do.
I moved him to a different school that year.

He had convinced me that they were just picking on him, exaggerating what had really happened. I believed him, after all he was young and seemed so sweet. We did this dance of the moving schools, switching the teachers and counselors for the next two years.

School had gotten bad. He was stealing from his teachers purse out of spite, he had strangled, their words, not mine, A child on the playground for not getting off a swing when he said so.

I finally found a behavior health school that specialized in Autism that was willing to work with him and we sent him over. He was eight at the time. The classroom where filled with behavior coaches, therapist, and safe rooms. He stayed at this school for another four years. His IEP goal was to keep his hands to himself and to not threaten anyone’s life for a whole year before public school would look at mainstreaming him.

Life seems to get better, he seems to conform. He started following perceived rules. Teachers were happy, he was eventually sent back to public school in seventh grade.

As soon as he was back in school things started to “Happen” again. People got hurt, things went missing, teachers were constantly calling and asking why he refused to listen. No one knew what was going on. It was almost like he enjoyed it. That was right around the same time I got married and had another baby.

Everything changed as soon as I brought another person into my life. Immediately my son started telling teachers, therapist that my husband was starving him, beating him. We had quite a few phone calls, house visits, CPS cases. Every time we met with a new professional. I told them everything that was happening. I asked for help, I begged for resources. I was given a look of confusion each time and they all told me there wasn’t much they could do. I was told it was bad behavior, maybe hormones of the teen years with the Autism that caused it. I was told he would grow out of it. I almost believed them.

It’s now been another five years. My son no longer lives in our home. The last five years he has spent terrorizing his little brother and those around me. He became obsessed with watching car death you-tube crashes and other violent things online. Life became completely unmanageable.

I spent two years with professionals coming in and out of our house. We had a behavior coach and mentor take him to be sociable with other teens. We had him volunteer at shelters. We did one on one in house family therapy and empathy engaging activities. Nothing seemed to help. He spent his time terrorizing our home and taking control over those closest to him. He tied up his little brother and gagged him, left him under our stairs. He attacked me in the back with a hammer and stripped me naked and threw me outside the house on one occasion. I finally let the state take him to a specialized mental health facility last year.

It’s been tough. Nothing has gotten better, just worse. He hurts the other children with him. Mostly psychological, threats to their loved ones. Promises to hurt if they don’t comply, listen and carry out his tasks. He’s been moved three times over the last year. It seems there is no hope.

I’m not sure why my GOD would make a child like this, I’m often wondering why he would give him to me. I pray, I have hope, and I give up every single day all at the same time.

Messy Jessy

191

How many days it’s been since I’ve had a drink, drug or pill to make it all go away.

 When I first stopped drinking, I made a list of truths about my drinking. I was told to do this to see my powerlessness in the situation. I tucked this list way in my big book on day 2 of rehab after my first step. There were items I was too embarrassed to admit out loud; today I’m ready to share the full list:

  1. I cannot remember tucking in the kids into bed at night.
  2. I sneak drinks to hide how much I drink.
  3. I drink before I go out so you don’t see how much I drink.
  4. I hide bottles in sheet and blankets around the house and in my trunk of my car.
  5. I promise to just drink a few and I mean it, I can not RELAY do that.
  6. I always want more than one glass of wine, always.
  7. I drive often drunk.
  8. I slur when I read books to my son at night.
  9. I black out often.
  10. I pick fights when I’m drunk and don’t remember them.
  11. I drink to overcome a hangover.
  12. I hate who I am. I am filled with regret and disappointment all the time.
  13. I can’t concentrate on anything at work because I shake all day.
  14. I will drink anything with alcohol in it, even if it tastes awful.
  15. I avoid social situations so that I can drink my way.
  16. I keep my kids out of evening activities so that I can drink.
  17. I drink every day.
  18. I pat myself on the back for taking a day off.
  19. I drink less when people are around so they don’t know how much I drink.
  20. I plan my day around getting the first drink.
  21. I rush my kids through their bedtime routine so I can drink.
  22. I wake up in the morning and don’t remember anything past dinner (sometimes I don’t remember dinner).
  23. I have the shakes in the morning.
  24. I have had night sweats every night for the last three years.
  25. I believe my marriage will fall apart if I quit drinking.
  26. I believe my marriage will fall apart if I don’t quit drinking.

This list reminds me how delusional my thinking is.  Regardless off all the obvious signs my mind would always tell me “This time will be different.” “This time we’ll have fun.”

 

That never did happen for me.  I became so incredibly miserable that I had no choice but to admit defeat to God and give over my will.  I found my self trying to put into words the way I feel now that I no longer have to live in the insanity.
Happy was the word that came to mind but, I’m so much more than just happy.

I wake up in the morning and like who I am.  I can start my day without dread.  I look forward to bed at night and time with the kids. I have peace in my heart I never had before.

 

I really never thought I’d get here.NEVER. But now that I’m here, I feel such gratitude that if the list above was a checklist, I would currently score zero.

 

 Thanks so much for reading. Knowing you are out there, and that you understand all of this, has been an incredible support for me. I thought I was alone.

Stay strong

These are words that I find myself saying everyday.  A constant reminder that “I am strong and can do this.”

Sobriety was never anything I thought would be easy and in the beginning. I really thought it would be down right impossible.  But through the last few months I have realized my inner strength and my ability to get through hard times with out having to use or get loaded.

What I have learned over the last 130 days is that I can feel bad, without being or doing bad.  I always thought they were the same thing. Emotions often dictated my attitude and my behavior.  I have learned over the  time that I can have ” feelings”  with out having to completely loose myself in them.  Yes, the ever so dramatic..FML, I can’t believe this is happening to me attitude is starting to dissolve away.

Over the last four months I have actually dealt with an array of things I never thought I would be able to get through sober. Things that were a sure sign I would need a drink at night have been bestowed upon  me and I have manger to stay sober.

-My Grandmother died on my 30 day mark and I didn’t drink.

-My son broke his jaw at school three days later.

-My grandfather passed away 6 weeks after my grandmother.

-My husband lost his job.

The biggest thing that I  have changed in sobriety is my attitude.  I am no longer looking for reasons to drink.  Situations do not dictate my feelings. I am, with the grace of God, in control of myself for the first time in a long time.  I wake up every morning and say a little prayer to get through the day.  At night before bed I hit my knees and thank God for the gift of sobriety. But most importantly, I take life one day at a time.

 

 

 

 

Sober.

105 days today.

I never  thought I would get to type those words. Really, never.  Towards my very desperate end of my struggle I was convinced I would die a drunk.

I felt completely hopeless, desperate and willing to try anything to change.

Now that I can look back I see that my hopelessness was my saving grace.My complete willingness to do anything suggested was how I got here today.  I won’t go on and on about how or why.  I just wanted to make a short list of things I’ve been capable of doing or accomplished in the last 100 days.

  • I managed to take a month off work to work on myself. It REALY is possible.
  • I can go to the grocery store at 8pm at night to get milk when I’m running low.
  • I’ve been bowling and can remember it.
  • I learned “No.” is a sentence.
  • I started dealing with my past, Therapeutically and learned how to let go. Really let go…
  • I’ve learned to not need to be perfect, hence I now have an extremely messy house and I don’t care.
  • I’ve met Women I like..”gasp” I know..

Tell me some of the thing you’ve gained in early sobriety.

The reminder

I had someone send me an email yesterday.. just kind going through their drink days when they first stopped.  The off three,on two. Off one, on nine… and so on and so forth. Just the pure turmoil of what it was like for them in the begging.

And I had a thought! What If I could bottle up the way I feel on day one; the anxiety, the guilt and the depression.  I’d keep it next to the bed, really I would, on the end table.

I’d open it every night when I get home from work and just take a small gulp.

The remainder of my past failures, the shame, feelings of remorse and the guilt. Believe it or not guilt has a taste. It’s bitter and dry.

If only we could remember day one and keep moving forward. I personally have a low point that is fairly recent enough to remind me to stay sober today.

Day one in a bottle!  Something to think about.  I bet that shit would sell.