Divorce, Suicide and Sobriety

These last two weeks have been super tough. I’m walking through things I never thought possible in sobriety. When I got sober I always had these conditions. If this…then I’ll drink.  I know I was told not too and I had always thought to myself, “How does anyone walk through the super tough stuff sober?” Then March came.

My oldest son has a mental health condition and tried to take his life this week. He’s hospitalized and doing better.  I have written may times about the difficulty in moving into acceptance that I can do nothing to help him other then to hold a safe place of unconditional love.  I have spent my time setting boundaries and asserting myself when necessary.

Then this week I found out my husband has yet another women in our marriage. This is the fourth time we’ve been through this. Not only is he in another relationship, I have found extra phones hidden with them as the screen saver and wads of money stuffed in boxes in our closet.  The whole situation is so incredibly bizarre.  I just didn’t realize that there are people willing to go to such great lengths to conceal the truth.  I mean my gosh that sound exhausting.  When confronted, I’m told he feels trapped, they’ve been together for almost a year, he wants out.  Who is this person living in my house??

I thought about giving up a few times over the last 15 days.  I thought that maybe there was no way to walk through this much pain all at once. I understand that fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth, however it feels like my world is imploding.  It’s a small intense wave of fear and anxiety…  up, up ,up, up then BOOM!  Invariably I slowly come back down.  I had thought that the point was to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t always “get solved”. They come together and then they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that.

I have found quite a bit of freedom in surrendering to all the unknowns ahead of me. It’s almost like once I except it and let the fear in; It no longer consumes me. My minds stops racing and I’m able to start processing. I’m not trying to fix this or figure it out this time.  I’m finally not trying to sweeten it up, smooth it over, or take a pill. I am walking slowly through the pain. I’m right in the middle.  I see the beauty in everything falling apart right now. I’m new, fresh and finally get to start over and walk a new path for myself. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy. Today I’m in a state of serenity and can’t quite tell if it’s the promises working in my life or if I’m still just in shock from the last two weeks.

Messy Jessy


You can’t have it!

So the other woman called my hubby last night. Actually it was her new boyfriend. Lovely, they know each other because they use to work together.(Nice to know she’s keeping it in the workplace still, management must be so proud.) He called to asked something about how he cooked a steak or some other bullshit. Basically to fuck with us, I mean me.  Huge trigger by the way when this stuff comes up and it’s been two years.

So. BIG HUGE FIGHT WITH HUBBY. Actually, it only lasted 3 minutes.  I took the advise of a blogger on here and when huge trigger shit comes up, Belle says go to bed. So, I went to bed! First thing as I climbed into bed sobbing was my voice in my head “Let’s go get a bottle of wine, it’ll make us feel better.”

My doctor recognizes I have and alcohol problem but also panic attacks are a real thing for me.  I get ten Ativan a year for emergencies. I went down stairs and took an anxiety pill. It’s been five months since I took one. I woke up at 12am.  The voice in my head reminded me I had one more hour to get booze. I went back to sleep. I woke up at 3 am and the voice was  pissed! “Now we’re fucked, we’ll have to wait until tomorrow morning to get booze, great job!”

I woke up this morning and the first thing I thought was “DRINK!”  I thought, fuck, I’m seriously screwed today, how do I get through this?  I put on my running shoes and stepped outside.

It was raining lightly this morning and I thought that would help to wash away the pain I was feeling. I decide to run until the voice stopped. One hour, 22 minutes and seven miles later the voice in my head went away. By the end of my run, soaking wet, because a small drizzle had turned into a heavy rain,  I was at peace.

“Ha, take that!”, I thought. It’s mine and you can’t have it! “I’m having a good day today!”  Today is my day 52 and I wasn’t going to give it up.

So It’s been awhile..

I haven’t been writing as much, just working lately, doing, changing, actions, no longer just words.

I’ve been working on letting go, something I find I have an incredibly hard time doing.  I’m still constantly punishing myself for my past choices in life and thinking that my life is still not good enough, or perfect or whatever. I have guilt that I’m trying to let go of two, for the things I’ve done while drinking.  the other day I was sitting down with my life coach, yes I have one, and she told me I was great, doing wonderful.  No need for perfection.  She asked me to sit down and make a list of three things I loved the most about sobriety and myself right now. So, here we go…

1. SOBER SLEEP – Yup, I never thought it was possible to sleep through the night.  I would often wake up in the middle of the night with horrible nightmares and not be able to get back to sleep.  Thoughts would race through my head as I stared at the ceiling until the sun rose. Now I sleep through the night, no more sweats either.  I find when I wake up, it’s from a pleasant or weird dream and I calmly find myself drifting back to sleep again. IT IS AMAZING

2. LESS ANXIETY – I thought I had a serious, incurable form of anxiety. True it started that way, just anxiety when I was 23. I had my first panic attack, no drinking was involved.  I had a mild case of PTSD from a vicious assault earlier that year.  But never less, as the year went on my anxiety got worse, and worse. Eventually, I started to drink to keep it at bay. It got to the point that my doctor had me on three to four different pills every day.  When I would awake in the morning it was the worse! I would be taking Xanax, volume and Ativan all day.  This was  usually combined with a sleeping pill at night, “I Never slept” and antidepressant as well.  As soon as I came to the realization that I am an alcoholic and told my doctor, we changed all my scripts.  I take just a mild antidepressant at night that also helps me sleep.  This whole time I thought was going to die of a panic attack or the amount of pills it took to keep them at bay. Turns out it was my drinking that made it worse. I can now wake up in the morning without racing thought and haven’t had a panic attack in over six months.

3.MYSELF – OK, I’m still working on this one.  But for once I have dreams and hopes.  I no longer have this feeling of being stuck forever and not knowing how to change. I have goals, that I’m actually reaching. I have plans, that I have actually followed through on, and most of all I have hope.  I didn’t have any hope for myself for a long time.  Those of you who have been drinking the way I did, everyday after work and most of the weekend get it.  I felt like I was stuck and just going to keep on doing what I was doing because there was no way to stop.  I would die this way. Lonely for sure and without my children.  I didn’t know how long it would take, but I could see it coming.  Now that I’m not drinking I have “Me” back. I’m changing and still evolving and constantly reminding myself of the way it was so I never go back there.

Learning to deal with disappointment today

The past few weeks have been crazy and with tons of stuff going on I’m finding myself slip into a funk.  I tried to put up my “No Drama Here” sign last week and don’t seem to believe it is working.

I moved last week into my new house.  This was supposed to be a happy time for me and yet somehow craziness came into my life right on closing day.  It’s almost like God put it there on purpose.  I accepted that and tried not to freak out. I get it, he’s testing me, trying to teach me something.  I thought I got it and then this week happened.

I had a recruiter reach out to me on Saturday, about a great opportunity with a great company.  I was surprised.  I followed up and interviewed. They really liked me, they like me! “This is something I have a hard time with, since I don’t like myself so much.”   I was so relieved; it was a nerve wrecking process. I had to interview with three different managers.

I passed the background test and was completely thankful.  On Wednesday I was offered the job.  I went home last night and typed up my resignation letter.  I was so happy.  The new place is more pay with full benefits and only five miles from our new house.  I was elated last night.  My husband came home with flowers and told me how proud he was of me.  I thought we are starting to really move forward in our lives.  We were both excited.

Then this morning I get a phone call on my way into work.  It was the hiring manager and she said that she had awful news.  They could not hire me.  I asked why and was told that one of the references that I used also worked there and she was Family.  They do not hire family.  She is a second cousin through marriage.  I thought she was joking, seriously, seriously?  She said yes, seriously.

So here is my thought process today.  What the hell am I doing wrong to bring all this into my life? Obviously the sign isn’t working and god keeps giving me the same lesson.  What am I not getting?  What am I missing?  I really thought I was starting to handle disappointments quite well by now.

I know everything happens for a reason so I’m trying not to let it get me down, but today is hard. I’m going to keep pushing forward and try to find what works best for me.  I have struggled all my life with depression and it alarms me at how I can go from being so elated about life to sad and discontent the next day.  It’s weird that my mind allows me to do this.

So I sent my resignation through the shredder this morning and will get back on the job sites this weekend.  Tonight I just want to go home and snuggle with the hubs, eat dinner; maybe take a long bath in my new house and go to bed. Hopefully my mind will reset tonight; I just wish sometime I had a backup button to do it myself.

Must write, must write….

So much has happened in the last week.

We bought and moved into a new house. On closing day, I lost a very close family friend. The day of move I was stalked online relentlessly by the mistress or the OW, as we say online. Needless to say, I spent some time in therapy with the hubs. I managed to avoid a total meltdown while moving a house of four this weekend…..by myself.

Lots of self discovery and new coping skills.  A few good stories too.

When I have time I will get online and actually write about it.  Oh and did I mention I’m interviewing for a new position at a big company tomorrow? Send lots of prayers and happy thoughts my way. I need them this week

Lots of love.  xoxo MessyJessy

Stress and mental health

I’m learning how to deal with stress and anxiety in different ways.  I really thought about it and I think that’s my biggest road block, not the drinking itself. Me not knowing how to handle tough moments in life. That’s what always brings me right back to it.

In the past, when I felt anxious, even as a child, I reached for something.  I started using drugs at 13 years old till I was 19, hard drugs, not your standard pot. After a few years of sobriety I started to drink, when I felt bad. I don’t think I have ever really had a time in my life when I just work through the feelings I’m having. The big ugly scary ones..

I realized that last night.  After my first pledge to stop drinking yet again.  I got an unpleasant phone call from a wife that use to work with my husband.  His old mistress was now sleeping with her husband and she wanted me to help her in getting her fired. I almost loss it.
The first thing I thought was,”Drink!” I mean come on!! How long is this going to follow me around for years? and today?  Today out of all days, REALLY??? I hung up and blocked her number.  First time I didn’t lose it all over again on him and I’m trying to just let it go today and focus on whats important me.
I got on my blog and started reading about mental health and anxiety.  It passed and I went to sleep by 12 am.  I had nightmares all night and would wake in a panic, then go back to sleep and it would happen all over gain.  But you know what? I woke up this morning and after a shower and some coffee I feel better.  I’m glad I didn’t drink.  I was surprised after my vow for the day, how quick my brain goes straight to drinking.  I’m exploring this with my therapist this week.  Hopefully she can provide some help.