Emails

Today I sit still with a profound sense of gratitude for my life.

When I first tried to get sober I started blogging and a blogger on here who started about six months before me friended me and we started chatting via email. She was amazing. I identified very much with her. She had figured it out and stayed sober. I relapsed over and over for the next two years and just couldn’t figure out why.

Often we would reach out to each other via email she would encourage me to stay strong, give me hope for realizing that it was time to change. She was a runner like me. She had depression like me. Her Marrige was like mine. We were warriors of anxiety.

Over the last couple of years we’ve stayed in touch here and there. I emailed a few weeks ago, just to see how she was doing and received an email back from her mother.

She told me that her daughter had ended her life. She had mentioned that she relapsed after four years and after picking up a 24 hour chip she ended her life three days later. She talked about her having a profound sense of grief for not being able to figure it out. She was just hopeful that she finally ended the pain and was in a better place.

I have this overwhelming sadness but also a profound sense of gratitude for the tiny tiny tiny sliver of grace that God has given me to stay sober and alive.

Through the emails from mothers who have lost their daughters. I am reminded today of where I came from and how lucky I am to still be alive.

Messy Jessy

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Problems with Ego

When I first came into this whole sobriety thing I thought my problems were all centered around drugs and alcohol.  I thought “If I could just figure out how to get rid of this stuff for good, everything else will be better.”

Little did I know my biggest problem was actually me. I am my biggest hurdle in life.  Overtime I have learned the importance I put on myself, my self worth and my showmanship. The harder I work to prove myself, the farther I am from serenity.  You know serenity was all I was ever looking for.  As I look back.. every drink I took, every drug I put in my body was just a quest for that “Ahhh” moment.  Trying to achieve true serenity over and over again only to find myself hopelessly lost and miserable.

So how do I find the balance of managing my inner drive to be the best and to prove myself, with my desire to be humble? Suppressing the ego, is what it comes down to for me.

I walk a fine line of grace, a very fine line. For me when my inner ego pops up. That voice that says “I’m better than that.” “I shouldn’t have to do this.”  I pause, I pray and I listen to my heart. Often times my ego pops up and I forget who I am and where I came from. I’m constantly having to sit, connect, mediate and sort out what I really need or want.

Today was no different for me. I  have a high stress job where I’m required to fix BIG problems.  I want to be the best, I want to figure it all out.  When things pop up and I can’t “Figure it out”, I start to lose it.  I find myself more aware now of the amount of uncomfortableness that comes with my self awareness of wanting to be in control all the time. Practice the pause  This is what comes to mind…

The question for me is always “Am I doing this for me or am I doing this to prove something for someone else?

If it’s not for me or my desire is not to help others without any expectations of praise or reward in return, than I’m acting out of ego driven fear.

Over the last year my heart has started to become louder than my head. My inner drive is more pure to help others without any returns or rewards. Life has stared to settle a bit and I have been able to start to define my true self. What do I like? What do I do for fun? What is my purpose?

How do you all deal with ego driven thoughts?

Messy Jessy

Long walks down the Isle’s at Target

Just kidding…. I hate Target.  I don’t get it. I feel like it’s full of eccentric home décor, lots of super cute moms with the perfect messy buns, expensive makeup and sweet little children all dressed in clean clothes with matching socks.  That just has never been my life. Matching socks, cute kids or the perfect messy bun.

I’m at day 416 today and feeling as lost as when I walk into a Target.  Maybe I’m not lost, maybe I’m just down.  It could also totally  be depression and because I’m aware of that, I have also made an appointment with a Therapist at the first of the month.

It’s just been so weird lately.  I can start my mornings feeling UP UP UP and by the end of the day I’m in a funk.  This has been happening to me for a few weeks now. It could be a holiday thing, since I do hate the holidays. Maybe it’s because my oldest is not living with me and is on his way to a mental institution long term.  I have not talked or seen him in over four weeks.

I recognize that I’m his mother but I’m also codependent  in my behavior and wanting to fix him.  This at times can be absolutely exhausting.

I’m praying, mediating, helping others and reaching out, but this “feeling” is sticking right now.

I walked down the liquor isle last night at Walmart.  It was not a short cut to anything I needed nor was there a purpose. I walked past the wine and my body cringed. Thank God for that. I’m not sure why I did that, I don’t want to drink, but it’s this little piece of me inside that says “Lets be dangerous, let’s be impulsive. It’ll make you feel better.”

I’m glad I can recognize that insanity in my head that I once use to listen to. I’ve just never been in a place in life with the self-awareness to realize how uncomfortable life can make me feel.

Sobriety is about transparency and honesty and I have to constantly stay on my toes.  Everything takes time and everything will eventually become something that will pass.  Today I am reminding myself, Just because I’m feeling bad, it doesn’t mean I’m doing bad.

 

Messy Jessy

Still Sober..

It’s been quite some time since I’ve written. Life has been crazy,I’m not going to lie. But there is a blessing in having everything seemingly falling apart around you yet still being able to hit your pillow every night sober.  God is good.

Messy Jessy

191

How many days it’s been since I’ve had a drink, drug or pill to make it all go away.

 When I first stopped drinking, I made a list of truths about my drinking. I was told to do this to see my powerlessness in the situation. I tucked this list way in my big book on day 2 of rehab after my first step. There were items I was too embarrassed to admit out loud; today I’m ready to share the full list:

1. I cannot remember tucking in the kids into bed at night.
2. I sneak drinks to hide how much I drink.
3. I drink before I go out so you don’t see how much I drink.
4. I hide bottles in sheet and blankets around the house and in my trunk of my car.
5. I promise to just drink a few and I mean it, I can not RELAY do that.
6. I always want more than one glass of wine, always.
7. I drive often drunk.
8. I slur when I read books to my son at night.
9. I black out often.
10. I pick fights when I’m drunk and don’t remember them.
11. I drink to overcome a hangover.
12. I hate who I am. I am filled with regret and disappointment all the time.
13. I can’t concentrate on anything at work because I shake all day.
14. I will drink anything with alcohol in it, even if it tastes awful.
15. I avoid social situations so that I can drink my way.
16. I keep my kids out of evening activities so that I can drink.
17. I drink every day.
18. I pat myself on the back for taking a day off.
19. I drink less when people are around so they don’t know how much I drink.
20. I plan my day around getting the first drink.
21. I rush my kids through their bedtime routine so I can drink.
22. I wake up in the morning and don’t remember anything past dinner (sometimes I don’t remember dinner).
23. I have the shakes in the morning.
24. I have had night sweats every night for the last three years.
25. I believe my marriage will fall apart if I quit drinking.
26. I believe my marriage will fall apart if I don’t quit drinking.

This list reminds me how delusional my thinking is.  Regardless off all the obvious signs my mind would always tell me “This time will be different.” “This time we’ll have fun.”

 

That never did happen for me.  I became so incredibly miserable that I had no choice but to admit defeat to God and give over my will.  I found my self trying to put into words the way I feel now that I no longer have to live in the insanity.

Happy was the word that came to mind but, I’m so much more than just happy.

I wake up in the morning and like who I am.  I can start my day without dread.  I look forward to bed at night and time with the kids. I have peace in my heart I never had before.

 

I really never thought I’d get here.NEVER. But now that I’m here, I feel such gratitude that if the list above was a checklist, I would currently score zero.

 

 Thanks so much for reading. Knowing you are out there, and that you understand all of this, has been an incredible support for me. I thought I was alone.

Stay strong

These are words that I find myself saying everyday.  A constant reminder that “I am strong and can do this.”

Sobriety was never anything I thought would be easy and in the beginning. I really thought it would be down right impossible.  But through the last few months I have realized my inner strength and my ability to get through hard times with out having to use or get loaded.

What I have learned over the last 130 days is that I can feel bad, without being or doing bad.  I always thought they were the same thing. Emotions often dictated my attitude and my behavior.  I have learned over the  time that I can have ” feelings”  with out having to completely loose myself in them.  Yes, the ever so dramatic..FML, I can’t believe this is happening to me attitude is starting to dissolve away.

Over the last four months I have actually dealt with an array of things I never thought I would be able to get through sober. Things that were a sure sign I would need a drink at night have been bestowed upon  me and I have manger to stay sober.

-My Grandmother died on my 30 day mark and I didn’t drink.

-My son broke his jaw at school three days later.

-My grandfather passed away 6 weeks after my grandmother.

-My husband lost his job.

The biggest thing that I  have changed in sobriety is my attitude.  I am no longer looking for reasons to drink.  Situations do not dictate my feelings. I am, with the grace of God, in control of myself for the first time in a long time.  I wake up every morning and say a little prayer to get through the day.  At night before bed I hit my knees and thank God for the gift of sobriety. But most importantly, I take life one day at a time.

 

 

 

 

Sober.

105 days today.

I never  thought I would get to type those words. Really, never.  Towards my very desperate end of my struggle I was convinced I would die a drunk.

I felt completely hopeless, desperate and willing to try anything to change.

Now that I can look back I see that my hopelessness was my saving grace.My complete willingness to do anything suggested was how I got here today.  I won’t go on and on about how or why.  I just wanted to make a short list of things I’ve been capable of doing or accomplished in the last 100 days.

• I managed to take a month off work to work on myself. It REALY is possible.
• I can go to the grocery store at 8pm at night to get milk when I’m running low.
• I’ve been bowling and can remember it.
• I learned “No.” is a sentence.
• I started dealing with my past, Therapeutically and learned how to let go. Really let go…
• I’ve learned to not need to be perfect, hence I now have an extremely messy house and I don’t care.
• I’ve met Women I like..”gasp” I know..

Tell me some of the thing you’ve gained in early sobriety.