It’s been quite some time since I’ve written. Life has been crazy,I’m not going to lie. But there is a blessing in having everything seemingly falling apart around you yet still being able to hit your pillow every night sober. God is good. ❤
Category: recovery
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How many days it’s been since I’ve had a drink, drug or pill to make it all go away.
When I first stopped drinking, I made a list of truths about my drinking. I was told to do this to see my powerlessness in the situation. I tucked this list way in my big book on day 2 of rehab after my first step. There were items I was too embarrassed to admit out loud; today I’m ready to share the full list:
- I cannot remember tucking in the kids into bed at night.
- I sneak drinks to hide how much I drink.
- I drink before I go out so you don’t see how much I drink.
- I hide bottles in sheet and blankets around the house and in my trunk of my car.
- I promise to just drink a few and I mean it, I can not RELAY do that.
- I always want more than one glass of wine, always.
- I drive often drunk.
- I slur when I read books to my son at night.
- I black out often.
- I pick fights when I’m drunk and don’t remember them.
- I drink to overcome a hangover.
- I hate who I am. I am filled with regret and disappointment all the time.
- I can’t concentrate on anything at work because I shake all day.
- I will drink anything with alcohol in it, even if it tastes awful.
- I avoid social situations so that I can drink my way.
- I keep my kids out of evening activities so that I can drink.
- I drink every day.
- I pat myself on the back for taking a day off.
- I drink less when people are around so they don’t know how much I drink.
- I plan my day around getting the first drink.
- I rush my kids through their bedtime routine so I can drink.
- I wake up in the morning and don’t remember anything past dinner (sometimes I don’t remember dinner).
- I have the shakes in the morning.
- I have had night sweats every night for the last three years.
- I believe my marriage will fall apart if I quit drinking.
- I believe my marriage will fall apart if I don’t quit drinking.
This list reminds me how delusional my thinking is. Regardless off all the obvious signs my mind would always tell me “This time will be different.” “This time we’ll have fun.”
That never did happen for me. I became so incredibly miserable that I had no choice but to admit defeat to God and give over my will. I found my self trying to put into words the way I feel now that I no longer have to live in the insanity.
Happy was the word that came to mind but, I’m so much more than just happy.
I wake up in the morning and like who I am. I can start my day without dread. I look forward to bed at night and time with the kids. I have peace in my heart I never had before.
I really never thought I’d get here.NEVER. But now that I’m here, I feel such gratitude that if the list above was a checklist, I would currently score zero.
Thanks so much for reading. Knowing you are out there, and that you understand all of this, has been an incredible support for me. I thought I was alone.
Stay strong
These are words that I find myself saying everyday. A constant reminder that “I am strong and can do this.”
Sobriety was never anything I thought would be easy and in the beginning. I really thought it would be down right impossible. But through the last few months I have realized my inner strength and my ability to get through hard times with out having to use or get loaded.
What I have learned over the last 130 days is that I can feel bad, without being or doing bad. I always thought they were the same thing. Emotions often dictated my attitude and my behavior. I have learned over the time that I can have ” feelings” with out having to completely loose myself in them. Yes, the ever so dramatic..FML, I can’t believe this is happening to me attitude is starting to dissolve away.
Over the last four months I have actually dealt with an array of things I never thought I would be able to get through sober. Things that were a sure sign I would need a drink at night have been bestowed upon me and I have manger to stay sober.
-My Grandmother died on my 30 day mark and I didn’t drink.
-My son broke his jaw at school three days later.
-My grandfather passed away 6 weeks after my grandmother.
-My husband lost his job.
The biggest thing that I have changed in sobriety is my attitude. I am no longer looking for reasons to drink. Situations do not dictate my feelings. I am, with the grace of God, in control of myself for the first time in a long time. I wake up every morning and say a little prayer to get through the day. At night before bed I hit my knees and thank God for the gift of sobriety. But most importantly, I take life one day at a time.
Sober.
105 days today.
I never thought I would get to type those words. Really, never. Towards my very desperate end of my struggle I was convinced I would die a drunk.
I felt completely hopeless, desperate and willing to try anything to change.
Now that I can look back I see that my hopelessness was my saving grace.My complete willingness to do anything suggested was how I got here today. I won’t go on and on about how or why. I just wanted to make a short list of things I’ve been capable of doing or accomplished in the last 100 days.
- I managed to take a month off work to work on myself. It REALY is possible.
- I can go to the grocery store at 8pm at night to get milk when I’m running low.
- I’ve been bowling and can remember it.
- I learned “No.” is a sentence.
- I started dealing with my past, Therapeutically and learned how to let go. Really let go…
- I’ve learned to not need to be perfect, hence I now have an extremely messy house and I don’t care.
- I’ve met Women I like..”gasp” I know..
Tell me some of the thing you’ve gained in early sobriety.
Complacency
Defined:
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: self-satisfaction especially when accompanied by unawareness of actual dangers or deficiencies
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: an instance of usually unaware or uninformed self-satisfaction
I’m not sure why that word bothers me. Maybe because so often, in recovery, it is associated with failure?
As in “Whatever I do. I must not get complacent.”
And, it’s understandable. I mean, if I return to drinking – everything just falls apart.
I LOSE MYSELF when I am in my addiction. I LOSE WHO I AM. The ESSENCE of me is suppressed and when that happens, I am in danger of losing everything that is precious to me.
So, how would one go about this? This not living in fear, yet not falling into ‘complacency’ and returning to the cycle of addiction?
I imagine that becoming complacent can happen in many different ways.
For me. The further away I was from the pain, from the desperation. The less real,the less INTENSE it felt.
Sort of like child-birth. I mean you remember that it hurt but as time goes by, it seems that it didn’t hurt all THAT bad (ha!) so you decide to have another baby.
Also, as my consequences diminished, that, coupled with hearing others, whose consequences were far more dire than mine had ever been. I began thinking “Maybe I wasn’t THAT bad” and “perhaps I exaggerated how big a problem I had”….again…time is my enemy.
So, those things allow me to become complacent, but those things are all FEAR based.
I was missing something.
I was missing having real RELATIONSHIPS with people in recovery. The relationships that I now have provide me with many things. Many opportunities for growth but, insofar as complacency is concerned. Having these people who care about me and can recognize and call me out on ‘old’ behavior or ‘delusional’ thinking is invaluable. I spoke to one of them today.
Today, I believe that even if I forget how painful drinking was. Even if I decide that I have exaggerated the seriousness of my problems. Even if I don’t attend meetings. If I am engaged in a fellowship (defined: an association of people who share common beliefs or activities) where I am developing new ways of thinking and living and ridding myself of the old, harmful ones, then alcohol just does not fit into my life.
So, changing, growing and remaining committed to relationships that will discourage reverting to ‘addictive’ thoughts and behaviors will help keep me free, regardless of whether or not I’m feeling ‘satisfied, content, or “complacent”.
57 days of freedom!
That’s where I’m at today. This is the first time in long time that I’m seriously doing everything that is “suggested” to keep the course. I’m waiting it out to make sure it will stick this time. So, more writing after I hit 90 days.
xoxo MessyJessy
Fear
Fear is really what it boiled down to for me. Fear of not knowing what was going to happen next. That was it..not being able to predict the future.
It was a regular week for me. Sitting in self pity about my drinking problem. I felt like shit when I didn’t have a drink and even worse when I did. MY life on the outside seemed great. Good job, big house, husband, kids, a nice car. Everything on the outside looked so pretty. If only you could look in and see the real me.
Finally, I had found myself sitting in my bedroom, with a bottle of pills in one hand and a bottle of booze in the other. I was in tears writing out my goodbye letter to my kids and husband. I couldn’t take it any more. This had to stop somehow.
I didn’t take the pills that night. I’m not sure why but I threw them in my top drawer and cried myself to sleep. I woke up the next morning and vowed to never take another drink . By the next day I was drinking again.
I’ve heard a many times the sense of hopelessness that one feels as an alcoholic. I had never really understood what that had meant until the very moment the glass of wine hit my lips. I knew it was bad, I knew I didn’t want to keep drinking like this, yet my brain kept saying “Just one drink.”
That was the bottom for me. It was it, the moment that I realized there was nothing I could do to help myself. I got on my knees and prayed. What happened to me over the course of the next five weeks was nothing short of a miracle.
I gave over my will to god and asked for help and it came. I don’t know how or why it works the way it does,but I have started on a new journey of sobriety and I’m currently 41 days strong.
