Gratitude

I’ve been away for awhile. A lot has been going on in my life and I find when the going gets tough, I go to meetings. I reach out, I call other women and pray. I just don’t want to write.

With these things, even through the hardest of times, I get to stay sober. I continue on my path and find grace in what god gives me every day.

It’s hard to stay positive. I have a violent 14 year old son diagnosed with Autism who has been hurting others. I want nothing more than for him to find his path. Figure out how to uncross his wires in his brain and be a successful human being. Maybe he needs medication. Maybe it’s therapeutic interactions. We aren’t sure and whatever we tu hasn’t helped. Nothing has gotten better and the miracle I pray for every day hasn’t happened as of yet.

This thanksgiving our table had one empty plate. His name slipped off the tip of my tounge a few times to call him downstairs to dinner, but he is not here.

I find it extremely hard to have gratitude in him being away in treatment. I question why god would let me get sober and not help him. I often wonder..”Why God would make a child like this. Why would he make such a little person with such big challenges to overcome in life?”

My gratitude for today is the ability to be sober and present in my family’s life in every way possible. I spent my day surrounded in not only deep love but unconditional support.

MessyJessy

Just me

It’s been some time since I’ve wrote.

Life has been hard and times have been rough. I would like to say in sobriety I have felt with a degree of difficulty in life that I have never felt before, but that’s not true. Life is as ever difficult and nothing has come my way that’s new. What’s new is the feelings. I feel things in difficult times that I use to numb away.

I find myself daydreaming about a life without problems. I find myself unfocused and trying to control everything around me since I have no control over myself. I feel stuck. I’m nine months in and feel like the progress I’ve made is slime to none.

I get it, don’t worry, it’s my disease speaking. I just find myself wondering if the down side of me will ever come back up. I have spoken to mental health providers and my Sponsor about how I’m feeling. Maybe it’s time to for me to get back into my mental health management.

I always thought with sobriety my mental health wound improve as well. It’s a tough pill to swallow and I’m not kidding about that. I wonder if those of you out there have been through similar times.What has been you’re experience in depression and anxiety after sobriety and how have you handled it??

191

How many days it’s been since I’ve had a drink, drug or pill to make it all go away.

 When I first stopped drinking, I made a list of truths about my drinking. I was told to do this to see my powerlessness in the situation. I tucked this list way in my big book on day 2 of rehab after my first step. There were items I was too embarrassed to admit out loud; today I’m ready to share the full list:

  1. I cannot remember tucking in the kids into bed at night.
  2. I sneak drinks to hide how much I drink.
  3. I drink before I go out so you don’t see how much I drink.
  4. I hide bottles in sheet and blankets around the house and in my trunk of my car.
  5. I promise to just drink a few and I mean it, I can not RELAY do that.
  6. I always want more than one glass of wine, always.
  7. I drive often drunk.
  8. I slur when I read books to my son at night.
  9. I black out often.
  10. I pick fights when I’m drunk and don’t remember them.
  11. I drink to overcome a hangover.
  12. I hate who I am. I am filled with regret and disappointment all the time.
  13. I can’t concentrate on anything at work because I shake all day.
  14. I will drink anything with alcohol in it, even if it tastes awful.
  15. I avoid social situations so that I can drink my way.
  16. I keep my kids out of evening activities so that I can drink.
  17. I drink every day.
  18. I pat myself on the back for taking a day off.
  19. I drink less when people are around so they don’t know how much I drink.
  20. I plan my day around getting the first drink.
  21. I rush my kids through their bedtime routine so I can drink.
  22. I wake up in the morning and don’t remember anything past dinner (sometimes I don’t remember dinner).
  23. I have the shakes in the morning.
  24. I have had night sweats every night for the last three years.
  25. I believe my marriage will fall apart if I quit drinking.
  26. I believe my marriage will fall apart if I don’t quit drinking.

This list reminds me how delusional my thinking is.  Regardless off all the obvious signs my mind would always tell me “This time will be different.” “This time we’ll have fun.”

 

That never did happen for me.  I became so incredibly miserable that I had no choice but to admit defeat to God and give over my will.  I found my self trying to put into words the way I feel now that I no longer have to live in the insanity.
Happy was the word that came to mind but, I’m so much more than just happy.

I wake up in the morning and like who I am.  I can start my day without dread.  I look forward to bed at night and time with the kids. I have peace in my heart I never had before.

 

I really never thought I’d get here.NEVER. But now that I’m here, I feel such gratitude that if the list above was a checklist, I would currently score zero.

 

 Thanks so much for reading. Knowing you are out there, and that you understand all of this, has been an incredible support for me. I thought I was alone.

Stay strong

These are words that I find myself saying everyday.  A constant reminder that “I am strong and can do this.”

Sobriety was never anything I thought would be easy and in the beginning. I really thought it would be down right impossible.  But through the last few months I have realized my inner strength and my ability to get through hard times with out having to use or get loaded.

What I have learned over the last 130 days is that I can feel bad, without being or doing bad.  I always thought they were the same thing. Emotions often dictated my attitude and my behavior.  I have learned over the  time that I can have ” feelings”  with out having to completely loose myself in them.  Yes, the ever so dramatic..FML, I can’t believe this is happening to me attitude is starting to dissolve away.

Over the last four months I have actually dealt with an array of things I never thought I would be able to get through sober. Things that were a sure sign I would need a drink at night have been bestowed upon  me and I have manger to stay sober.

-My Grandmother died on my 30 day mark and I didn’t drink.

-My son broke his jaw at school three days later.

-My grandfather passed away 6 weeks after my grandmother.

-My husband lost his job.

The biggest thing that I  have changed in sobriety is my attitude.  I am no longer looking for reasons to drink.  Situations do not dictate my feelings. I am, with the grace of God, in control of myself for the first time in a long time.  I wake up every morning and say a little prayer to get through the day.  At night before bed I hit my knees and thank God for the gift of sobriety. But most importantly, I take life one day at a time.

 

 

 

 

Sober.

105 days today.

I never  thought I would get to type those words. Really, never.  Towards my very desperate end of my struggle I was convinced I would die a drunk.

I felt completely hopeless, desperate and willing to try anything to change.

Now that I can look back I see that my hopelessness was my saving grace.My complete willingness to do anything suggested was how I got here today.  I won’t go on and on about how or why.  I just wanted to make a short list of things I’ve been capable of doing or accomplished in the last 100 days.

  • I managed to take a month off work to work on myself. It REALY is possible.
  • I can go to the grocery store at 8pm at night to get milk when I’m running low.
  • I’ve been bowling and can remember it.
  • I learned “No.” is a sentence.
  • I started dealing with my past, Therapeutically and learned how to let go. Really let go…
  • I’ve learned to not need to be perfect, hence I now have an extremely messy house and I don’t care.
  • I’ve met Women I like..”gasp” I know..

Tell me some of the thing you’ve gained in early sobriety.