Good Enough

I woke up today and I found myself realizing how different I feel about my life and the things going on in it.

LETS JUST START WITH.  I’m sober, like REALLY FUCK’N SOBER.

I thought that was NEVER going to happen!  It kinda makes me feel like a bad-ass or magical. It’s actually a little bit of both and quite frankly that’s cool, because for the most part I’ve never really liked myself.

I have found that most of my life I measure my success on quite possibly the most immeasurable things.  Like, I’m a good mom if my kids are doing well.  I’m a good wife only if my marriage is prefect.  If my house is a mess, I’m clearly not a good homemaker.

TRY Harder, that’s what my brain always tells me.  DO MORE, KEEP GOING!  It’s exhausting to think about and it unravels my emotional stability far to fast. Will I ever be enough?

Over the last year a a half I have started to measure my success not on the things I am able to do physically or how the outwards appearance looks, but how I’m doing emotionally and on how I feel inside. Do I like myself??

This has been one of the hardest things for me.  I am in a marriage that is not only imperfect but sometimes not what I wanted at all.  Yet I’m able to support another human being in life.  I am a mother to a son that does not live in my house. He has severe mental health issues and lives in an institutional setting. I am still a wonderful mother and I’m proud of the path I have walked over the last year making the tough decisions I’ve had to.

I show up every day with a new perspective on how to handle situations and how to deal with life. Instead of trying harder in life, I try something different.  I let go of control and as soon as I do everything falls into place.  I stop being so self critical and realize it’s just me judging me.  I try to listen to my heart.  I am no longer striving for perfection or trying to fix the situation. I am now starting to realize I am good enough.

 

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My son is a Sociopath

It’s tough to say this out loud. It hurts when I hear it from countless professionals. And It’s difficult to talk about to those I love. But, my son is a sociopath and I need to talk to someone.

 
From a very young age I knew something was not “right” I was told Autism, Asperger’s. We believed it, we thought it could be treated and then we moved on.

 
By Kindergarten’s first year, trouble started brewing. He was violent and aggressive with students and teachers. He first threatened to kill himself and another child at age six. I thought it was a phase, I remember the administration telling me what had happened and what he had said. I was concerned, I didn’t know what to do.

 
I moved him to a different school that year. He had convinced me that they were just picking on him, exaggerating what had really happened. I believed him, after all he was young and seemed so sweet. We did this dance of the moving schools, switching the teachers and counselors for the next two years.

 
School had gotten bad. He was stealing from his teachers purse out of spite, he had strangled, their words, not mine, A child on the playground for not getting off a swing when he said so.

 
I finally found a behavior health school that specialized in Autism that was willing to work with him and we sent him over. He was eight at the time. The classroom where filled with behavior coaches, therapist, and safe rooms. He stayed at this school for another four years. His IEP goal was to keep his hands to himself and to not threaten anyone’s life for a whole year before public school would look at mainstreaming him. Life seems to get better, he seems to conform. He started following perceived rules. Teachers were happy, he was eventually sent back to public school in seventh grade.
As soon as he was back in school things started to “Happen” again. People got hurt, things went missing, teachers were constantly calling and asking why he refused to listen. No one knew what was going on. It was almost like he enjoyed it. That was right around the same time I got married and had another baby.

 
Everything changed as soon as I brought another person into my life. Immediately my son started telling teachers, therapist that my husband was starving him, beating him. We had quite a few phone calls, house visits, CPS cases. Every time we met with a new professional. I told them everything that was happening. I asked for help, I begged for resources. I was given a look of confusion each time and they all told me there wasn’t much they could do. I was told it was bad behavior, maybe hormones of the teen years with the Autism that caused it. I was told he would grow out of it. I almost believed them.
It’s now been another five years. My son no longer lives in our home. The last five years he has spent terrorizing his little brother and those around me. He became obsessed with watching car death you-tube crashes and other violent things online. Life became completely unmanageable.

 
I spent two years with professionals coming in and out of our house. We had a behavior coach and mentor take him to be sociable with other teens. We had him volunteer at shelters. We did one on one in house family therapy and empathy engaging activities. Nothing seemed to help. He spent his time terrorizing our home and taking control over those closest to him. He tied up his little brother and gagged him, left him under our stairs. He attacked me in the back with a hammer and stripped me naked and threw me outside the house on one occasion. I finally let the state take him to a specialized mental health facility last year.

 
It’s been tough. Nothing has gotten better, just worse. He hurts the other children with him. Mostly psychological, threats to their loved ones. Promises to hurt if they don’t comply, listen and carry out his tasks. He’s been moved three times over the last year. It seems there is no hope.

 
I’m not sure why my GOD would make a child like this, I’m often wondering why he would give him to me. I pray, I have hope, and I give up every single day all at the same time.

Messy Jessy

 

Gratitude

I’ve been away for awhile. A lot has been going on in my life and I find when the going gets tough, I go to meetings. I reach out, I call other women and pray. I just don’t want to write.

With these things, even through the hardest of times, I get to stay sober. I continue on my path and find grace in what god gives me every day.

It’s hard to stay positive. I have a violent 14 year old son diagnosed with Autism who has been hurting others. I want nothing more than anything for him to find his path. Figure out how to uncross his wires in his brain and be a successful human being. Maybe he needs medication. Maybe it’s therapeutic interactions. We aren’t sure and whatever we do hasn’t helped. Nothing has gotten better and the miracle I pray for every day hasn’t happened as of yet.

This thanksgiving our table had one empty plate. His name slipped off the tip of my tounge a few times to call him downstairs to dinner, but he is not here.

I find it extremely hard to have gratitude in him being away in treatment. I question why god would let me get sober and not help him. I often wonder..”Why God would make a child like this. Why would he make such a little person with such big challenges to overcome in life?”

My gratitude for today is the ability to be sober and present in my family’s life in every way possible. I spent my day surrounded in not only deep love but unconditional support.

MessyJessy

Just me

It’s been some time since I’ve wrote.

Life has been hard and times have been rough. I would like to say in sobriety I have felt with a degree of difficulty in life that I have never felt before, but that’s not true. Life is as ever difficult and nothing has come my way that’s new. What’s new is the feelings. I feel things in difficult times that I use to numb away.

I find myself daydreaming about a life without problems. I find myself unfocused and trying to control everything around me since I have no control over myself. I feel stuck. I’m nine months in and feel like the progress I’ve made is slime to none.

I get it, don’t worry, it’s my disease speaking. I just find myself wondering if the down side of me will ever come back up. I have spoken to mental health providers and my Sponsor about how I’m feeling. Maybe it’s time to for me to get back into my mental health management.

I always thought with sobriety my mental health wound improve as well. It’s a tough pill to swallow and I’m not kidding about that. I wonder if those of you out there have been through similar times.What has been you’re experience in depression and anxiety after sobriety and how have you handled it??

191

How many days it’s been since I’ve had a drink, drug or pill to make it all go away.

 When I first stopped drinking, I made a list of truths about my drinking. I was told to do this to see my powerlessness in the situation. I tucked this list way in my big book on day 2 of rehab after my first step. There were items I was too embarrassed to admit out loud; today I’m ready to share the full list:

  1. I cannot remember tucking in the kids into bed at night.
  2. I sneak drinks to hide how much I drink.
  3. I drink before I go out so you don’t see how much I drink.
  4. I hide bottles in sheet and blankets around the house and in my trunk of my car.
  5. I promise to just drink a few and I mean it, I can not RELAY do that.
  6. I always want more than one glass of wine, always.
  7. I drive often drunk.
  8. I slur when I read books to my son at night.
  9. I black out often.
  10. I pick fights when I’m drunk and don’t remember them.
  11. I drink to overcome a hangover.
  12. I hate who I am. I am filled with regret and disappointment all the time.
  13. I can’t concentrate on anything at work because I shake all day.
  14. I will drink anything with alcohol in it, even if it tastes awful.
  15. I avoid social situations so that I can drink my way.
  16. I keep my kids out of evening activities so that I can drink.
  17. I drink every day.
  18. I pat myself on the back for taking a day off.
  19. I drink less when people are around so they don’t know how much I drink.
  20. I plan my day around getting the first drink.
  21. I rush my kids through their bedtime routine so I can drink.
  22. I wake up in the morning and don’t remember anything past dinner (sometimes I don’t remember dinner).
  23. I have the shakes in the morning.
  24. I have had night sweats every night for the last three years.
  25. I believe my marriage will fall apart if I quit drinking.
  26. I believe my marriage will fall apart if I don’t quit drinking.

This list reminds me how delusional my thinking is.  Regardless off all the obvious signs my mind would always tell me “This time will be different.” “This time we’ll have fun.”

 

That never did happen for me.  I became so incredibly miserable that I had no choice but to admit defeat to God and give over my will.  I found my self trying to put into words the way I feel now that I no longer have to live in the insanity.
Happy was the word that came to mind but, I’m so much more than just happy.

I wake up in the morning and like who I am.  I can start my day without dread.  I look forward to bed at night and time with the kids. I have peace in my heart I never had before.

 

I really never thought I’d get here.NEVER. But now that I’m here, I feel such gratitude that if the list above was a checklist, I would currently score zero.

 

 Thanks so much for reading. Knowing you are out there, and that you understand all of this, has been an incredible support for me. I thought I was alone.