My son is a Sociopath

It’s tough to say this out loud. It hurts when I hear it from countless professionals. And It’s difficult to talk about to those I love. But, my son is a sociopath and I need to talk to someone.
From a very young age I knew something was not “right” I was told Autism, Asperger’s. We believed it, we thought it could be treated and then we moved on.
By Kindergarten’s first year, trouble started brewing. He was violent and aggressive with students and teachers. He first threatened to kill himself and another child at age six. I thought it was a phase, I remember the administration telling me what had happened and what he had said. I was concerned, I didn’t know what to do.
I moved him to a different school that year. He had convinced me that they were just picking on him, exaggerating what had really happened. I believed him, after all he was young and seemed so sweet. We did this dance of the moving schools, switching the teachers and counselors for the next two years.
School had gotten bad. He was stealing from his teachers purse out of spite, he had strangled, thier words, not mine, A child on the playground for not getting off a swing when he said so.
I finally found a behavior health school that specialized in Autism that was willing to work with him and we sent him over. He was eight at the time. The classroom where filled with behavior couches, therapist, and safe rooms. He stayed at this school for another four years. His IEP goal was to keep his hands to himself and to not threaten anyone’s life for a whole year before pubic school would look at mainstreaming him. Life seems to get better, he seems to conform. He started following perceived rules. Teachers were happy, he was eventually sent back to public school in seventh grade.
As soon as he was back in school things started to “Happen” again. People got hurt, things went missing, teachers were constantly calling and asking why he refused to listen. No one knew what was going on. It was almost like he enjoyed it. That was right around the same time I got married and had another baby.
Everything changed as soon as I brought another person into my life. Immediately my son started telling teachers, therapist that my husband was starving him, beating him. We had quite a few phone calls, house visits, CPS cases. Every time we met with a new professional. I told them everything that was happening. I asked for help, I begged for resources. I was given a look of confusion each time and they all told me there wasn’t much they could do. I was told it was bad behavior, maybe hormones of the teen years with the Autism that caused it. I was told he would grow out of it. I almost believed them.
It’s now been another five years. My son no longer lives in our home. The last five years he has spent terrorizing his little brother and those around me. He became obsessed with watching car death you-tube crashes and other violent things online. Life became completely unmanageable.
I spent two years with professionals coming in and out of our house. We had a behavior coach and mentor take him to be sociable with other teens. We had him volunteer at shelters. We did one on one in house family therapy and empathy engaging activities. Nothing seemed to help. He spent his time terrorizing our home and taking control over those closest to him. He tied up his little brother and gagged him, left him under our stairs. He attacked me in the back with a hammer and stripped me naked and threw me outside the house on one occasion. I finally let the state take him to a specialized mental health facility last year.
It’s been tough. Nothing has gotten better, just worse. He hurts the other children with him. Mostly psychological, threats to their loved ones. Promises to hurt if they don’t comply, listen and carry out his tasks. He’s been moved three times over the last year. It seems there is no hope.
I’m not sure why my GOD would make a child like this, I’m often wondering why he would give him to me. I pray, I have hope, and I give up every single day all at the same time.

Messy Jessy

He came to believe.

I’ve been reading through an AA book recently based on spirituality and Devine experiences of God removing the obsession of drinking.  As I was paging threw this book last night, I read over and over of numerous experiences of God just removing the desire to drink once you’ve taken the third step to let go and let god.

There was a prayer “God, I offer myself to you  – to build me and do with me as you will.  Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do your will.  Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of your power, your love, and The Way of life.  May I do your will always!”

See here is the thing; I’ve said this prayer maybe not word for word many times in my life over the last year.  I have been removed a few times of my obsession from drinking and find that as time goes on I find the obsession fades away slowly, as with any other thing. Then it comes back one day; and yes I do pray to my greater power every night.  Not to ask him to change me or make my life easier but to take me into his hands and do with me as he wills.

I do believe my higher power defiantly has a say in my life, I would not be here without him, but what are these Devine experiences that as these people speak of.  I haven’t had that “Ah ha!”  Moment yet in life, like a whoosh and all obsessions are gone.  Is it really true that this happens to everyone at some point?

I guess what I’m asking is what has your experience been of taking the third step and any advice that you may have for me.

Accountablity

I know this is probably the worse thing for me, being unaccountable.  I don’t regularly go to meetings and I don’t really check in with anyone but my husband and he is currently away for work for the next few months.  It was just a matter of time before I slipped.  And sure enough I slipped hard.  I’ll be checking in daily trying to make some sort of sense out of the addiction I have for the next 30 days or so.

I went to my first meeting last night out of the next 90 days. I’ve had such a hard time dealing with the affair that I’m finally able to just focus on me.I know it sounds selfish to leave the older kids home while I’m away but it’s only for an hour a day.  I need to start really taking care of myself and not worry about others.

So It’s been awhile..

I haven’t been writing as much, just working lately, doing, changing, actions, no longer just words.

I’ve been working on letting go, something I find I have an incredibly hard time doing.  I’m still constantly punishing myself for my past choices in life and thinking that my life is still not good enough, or perfect or whatever. I have guilt that I’m trying to let go of two, for the things I’ve done while drinking.  the other day I was sitting down with my life coach, yes I have one, and she told me I was great, doing wonderful.  No need for perfection.  She asked me to sit down and make a list of three things I loved the most about sobriety and myself right now. So, here we go…

1. SOBER SLEEP – Yup, I never thought it was possible to sleep through the night.  I would often wake up in the middle of the night with horrible nightmares and not be able to get back to sleep.  Thoughts would race through my head as I stared at the ceiling until the sun rose. Now I sleep through the night, no more sweats either.  I find when I wake up, it’s from a pleasant or weird dream and I calmly find myself drifting back to sleep again. IT IS AMAZING

2. LESS ANXIETY – I thought I had a serious, incurable form of anxiety. True it started that way, just anxiety when I was 23. I had my first panic attack, no drinking was involved.  I had a mild case of PTSD from a vicious assault earlier that year.  But never less, as the year went on my anxiety got worse, and worse. Eventually, I started to drink to keep it at bay. It got to the point that my doctor had me on three to four different pills every day.  When I would awake in the morning it was the worse! I would be taking Xanax, volume and Ativan all day.  This was  usually combined with a sleeping pill at night, “I Never slept” and antidepressant as well.  As soon as I came to the realization that I am an alcoholic and told my doctor, we changed all my scripts.  I take just a mild antidepressant at night that also helps me sleep.  This whole time I thought was going to die of a panic attack or the amount of pills it took to keep them at bay. Turns out it was my drinking that made it worse. I can now wake up in the morning without racing thought and haven’t had a panic attack in over six months.

3.MYSELF – OK, I’m still working on this one.  But for once I have dreams and hopes.  I no longer have this feeling of being stuck forever and not knowing how to change. I have goals, that I’m actually reaching. I have plans, that I have actually followed through on, and most of all I have hope.  I didn’t have any hope for myself for a long time.  Those of you who have been drinking the way I did, everyday after work and most of the weekend get it.  I felt like I was stuck and just going to keep on doing what I was doing because there was no way to stop.  I would die this way. Lonely for sure and without my children.  I didn’t know how long it would take, but I could see it coming.  Now that I’m not drinking I have “Me” back. I’m changing and still evolving and constantly reminding myself of the way it was so I never go back there.

Stress and mental health

I’m learning how to deal with stress and anxiety in different ways.  I really thought about it and I think that’s my biggest road block, not the drinking itself. Me not knowing how to handle tough moments in life. That’s what always brings me right back to it.

In the past, when I felt anxious, even as a child, I reached for something.  I started using drugs at 13 years old till I was 19, hard drugs, not your standard pot. After a few years of sobriety I started to drink, when I felt bad. I don’t think I have ever really had a time in my life when I just work through the feelings I’m having. The big ugly scary ones..

I realized that last night.  After my first pledge to stop drinking yet again.  I got an unpleasant phone call from a wife that use to work with my husband.  His old mistress was now sleeping with her husband and she wanted me to help her in getting her fired. I almost loss it.
The first thing I thought was,”Drink!” I mean come on!! How long is this going to follow me around for years? and today?  Today out of all days, REALLY??? I hung up and blocked her number.  First time I didn’t lose it all over again on him and I’m trying to just let it go today and focus on whats important me.
I got on my blog and started reading about mental health and anxiety.  It passed and I went to sleep by 12 am.  I had nightmares all night and would wake in a panic, then go back to sleep and it would happen all over gain.  But you know what? I woke up this morning and after a shower and some coffee I feel better.  I’m glad I didn’t drink.  I was surprised after my vow for the day, how quick my brain goes straight to drinking.  I’m exploring this with my therapist this week.  Hopefully she can provide some help.

Over 50 days

I had over 50 days of sobriety and decided to give in Saturday night.  I’m starting to think this thing is impossible.

I had 50 days and was all “This is so easy, I don’t have a problem, I’m sure I can just have a drink every now and then.”  I drank and wam bam ended right back at the start again.  I’m starting to wonder if I’m ever going to get this down.

No more perfection.

It’s been another day. Another day that perfection wasn’t even in sight. Come to think of it, the definition of perfection escapes my vocabulary because it’s not a state that my life allows for. Another day that I stumbled through trying to keep the pieces gathered together without them falling at my feet. They never seem to be a perfect fit, do they?

Monday came and went. It didn’t stay long enough to say hello and it certainly didn’t have room for deep relaxing breaths. It’s Spring Break. Vacation? What a funny notion. Work hours started early, track practice was spent answering emails and dinner came in the form of a take out bag. And has someone switched the laundry from the washer to the dryer yet? I forget to get Dillon socks to match his track outfit, will anyone care? And my eyebrows stared back at me in the mirror this morning. I need to remember to tweeze those things!

Tuesday I was barely able to roll myself out of bed even after the alarm on my iPhone went off at every 15 minute increment beginning at 5:00 AM. It seems that 2:00 AM is a perfect time for a little one to go to bed when they have no preschool in the morning. And that breakfast that I wanted to make for my kids to relish in the relaxation of Spring Break? It came in the form of donuts brought home after I left work at 5:00 PM the day before, because we all know the kids are not going to want to get up early when they have no school. It was another day that I went without a shower, thank goodness for dry shampoo. A day without a workout and I am sure I went to bed with another pound gained. My husband is still out-of-town and I have two doctors appointments for the kids this week, a payroll deadline at work, and a house that we are closing on in three weeks. Still not sure how that is going to work. And seriously… that load in the washer.

Wednesday I yelled at the kids because the house was a mess. And through the toys lying around, I saw my shoes… and stack of paperwork… and my dish from breakfast on the counter… and my blanket on the couch from movie night the evening before. I hid away in my room to save myself the humility of having to apologize. Lunch was skipped that day because I didn’t have time the night before to go out and get more bread. I think the kids eat peanut butter and bananas on bagel, because that’s all I had in the house. Grocery shopping never happened tonight due to a meltdown because someone missed his nap and we biked outside instead of finishing the to-do list because the weather was overcast and we take what we can get here in the desert this time of year. And through the giggles and laughing, I made sure to say thank you for the house cleaning that happened earlier. And it was a night where I was barely able to get myself to bed let alone remember to wash my face or even say a prayer.

Thursday was Thursday. I screamed a profanity from my closet after stepping on a Lego building that was left there from two weeks ago. Left there by a little one who was waiting for me to finish my makeup so we could go to the park. There is something questionable on  the chair in the kitchen that needs to be cleaned up, but instead I keep passing by it hoping that the other adult that lives with me will notice it. Exhaustion is no joke. I need to remember to send off that email before they email me first and think that I forgot about it. Someone is yelling from downstairs that another someone hit them. I threw on my favorite leggings because my hair is still unwashed and makeup was not an option today, black leggings distract. The kids are with Grandma tonight. I ended up falling asleep on the couch at 9:00 after ‘totally being up for a movie night’.

Friday. My to-do list is a mile long just like every other day, but it’s the last day of Spring Break. This means the week and the weekend are blurring together and I will find myself sneaking away to play as much as I possibly can. The dishes are piled high in the sink and no one has volunteered to do them.  I just bought groceries this week, but I have a feeling at 5:00 PM I will be on the phone ordering an extra-large cheese pizza from our favorite pizza place. Who baked the cookies that I am not supposed to have? Oh well, diet starts on Monday, right?

And then there is tomorrow. A place in time that holds every possibility, every ounce of energy and every bit of soft-spoken love for each and every person around me. I don’t want to live for tomorrow, but at this time in my life… in this season of my life… I thank God if there is a tomorrow. Tomorrow is a chance for me to get it right. At least one thing, please. To speak a little nicer, to play a little harder, and maybe even get a shower. To forgive myself for not working out the day before and the opportunity to stop body shaming myself. The idea of tomorrow gets me through every mistake of today. Knowing there is a chance to start clean and better myself and things around me. And knowing there is a time to stop worrying about what people think or how my life looks to the outside world.

So while I hope to eventually be the person that can make today all that it can be, I am going to be grateful for tomorrow. And I am going to find grace in tomorrow because perfection and I broke up a long time ago.

That load in the washer is definitely going to have to be re-washed.