I woke up today and I found myself realizing how different I feel about my life and the things going on in it.
LETS JUST START WITH. I’m sober, like REALLY FUCK’N SOBER.
I thought that was NEVER going to happen! It kinda makes me feel like a bad-ass or magical. It’s actually a little bit of both and quite frankly that’s cool, because for the most part I’ve never really liked myself.
I have found that most of my life I measure my success on quite possibly the most immeasurable things. Like, I’m a good mom if my kids are doing well. I’m a good wife only if my marriage is prefect. If my house is a mess, I’m clearly not a good homemaker.
TRY Harder, that’s what my brain always tells me. DO MORE, KEEP GOING! It’s exhausting to think about and it unravels my emotional stability far to fast. Will I ever be enough?
Over the last year a a half I have started to measure my success not on the things I am able to do physically or how the outwards appearance looks, but how I’m doing emotionally and on how I feel inside. Do I like myself??
This has been one of the hardest things for me. I am in a marriage that is not only imperfect but sometimes not what I wanted at all. Yet I’m able to support another human being in life. I am a mother to a son that does not live in my house. He has severe mental health issues and lives in an institutional setting. I am still a wonderful mother and I’m proud of the path I have walked over the last year making the tough decisions I’ve had to.
I show up every day with a new perspective on how to handle situations and how to deal with life. Instead of trying harder in life, I try something different. I let go of control and as soon as I do everything falls into place. I stop being so self critical and realize it’s just me judging me. I try to listen to my heart. I am no longer striving for perfection or trying to fix the situation. I am now starting to realize I am good enough.