Good Enough

I woke up today and I found myself realizing how different I feel about my life and the things going on in it.

LETS JUST START WITH.  I’m sober, like REALLY FUCK’N SOBER.

I thought that was NEVER going to happen!  It kinda makes me feel like a bad-ass or magical. It’s actually a little bit of both and quite frankly that’s cool, because for the most part I’ve never really liked myself.

I have found that most of my life I measure my success on quite possibly the most immeasurable things.  Like, I’m a good mom if my kids are doing well.  I’m a good wife only if my marriage is prefect.  If my house is a mess, I’m clearly not a good homemaker.

TRY Harder, that’s what my brain always tells me.  DO MORE, KEEP GOING!  It’s exhausting to think about and it unravels my emotional stability far to fast. Will I ever be enough?

Over the last year a a half I have started to measure my success not on the things I am able to do physically or how the outwards appearance looks, but how I’m doing emotionally and on how I feel inside. Do I like myself??

This has been one of the hardest things for me.  I am in a marriage that is not only imperfect but sometimes not what I wanted at all.  Yet I’m able to support another human being in life.  I am a mother to a son that does not live in my house. He has severe mental health issues and lives in an institutional setting. I am still a wonderful mother and I’m proud of the path I have walked over the last year making the tough decisions I’ve had to.

I show up every day with a new perspective on how to handle situations and how to deal with life. Instead of trying harder in life, I try something different.  I let go of control and as soon as I do everything falls into place.  I stop being so self critical and realize it’s just me judging me.  I try to listen to my heart.  I am no longer striving for perfection or trying to fix the situation. I am now starting to realize I am good enough.

 

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57 days of freedom!

That’s where I’m at today.  This is the first time in long time that I’m seriously doing everything that is “suggested” to keep the course.  I’m waiting it out to make sure it will stick this time.  So, more writing after I hit 90 days.

 

xoxo MessyJessy

Fear

Fear is really what it boiled down to for me.  Fear of not knowing what was going to happen next.  That was it..not being able to predict the future.

It was a regular week for me.  Sitting in self pity about my drinking problem.  I felt like shit when I didn’t have a drink and even worse when I did. MY life on the outside seemed great.  Good job, big house, husband, kids, a nice car.  Everything on the outside looked so pretty.  If only you could look in and see the real me.

Finally, I had found myself sitting in my bedroom, with a bottle of pills in one hand and a bottle of booze in the other.  I was in tears writing out my goodbye letter to my kids and husband.  I couldn’t take it any more.  This had to stop somehow.

I didn’t take the pills that night.  I’m not sure why but I threw them in my top drawer and cried myself to sleep.  I woke up the next morning and vowed to never take another drink .  By the next day I was drinking again.

I’ve heard a many times the sense of hopelessness that one feels as an alcoholic.  I had never really understood what that had meant until the very moment the glass of wine hit my lips. I knew  it was bad, I knew I didn’t want to keep drinking like this, yet my brain kept saying “Just one drink.”

That was the bottom for me. It was it, the moment that I realized there was nothing I could do to help myself.  I got on my knees and prayed.  What happened to me over the course of the next five weeks was nothing short of a miracle.

I gave over my will to god and asked for help and it came.  I don’t know how or why it works the way it does,but I have started on a new journey of sobriety and I’m currently 41 days strong.

Today

I’m really struggling today with this whole Sobriety thing.  I can’t seem to get more than a few months under my belt before I relapse again.  I was home with a sick little one and triggers started to come up .  I  use to take days off to dink at home.  I KNEW I did not want to drink yesterday but I kept thinking about it.  I couldn’t stop.  I cleaned the kitchen, mopped, swept the carpet.  Started doing Laundry and folding clothes.  I worked remotely from home yesterday too.  But alas at 3pm I caved and opened a bottle of wine.  I drank the whole thing !

I feel like I’m going to go insane  with this alcoholism.  It’s littlerly driving me crazy.  Before when I was drinking and didn’t care, life was soo different.  I just feel like I’m in a constant battle to try to change.  I may loose my mind today, just maybe! Sorry, short rant over.  I’m going to read on these sober blogs and see if I can find some hope today.

He came to believe.

I’ve been reading through an AA book recently based on spirituality and Devine experiences of God removing the obsession of drinking.  As I was paging threw this book last night, I read over and over of numerous experiences of God just removing the desire to drink once you’ve taken the third step to let go and let god.

There was a prayer “God, I offer myself to you  – to build me and do with me as you will.  Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do your will.  Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of your power, your love, and The Way of life.  May I do your will always!”

See here is the thing; I’ve said this prayer maybe not word for word many times in my life over the last year.  I have been removed a few times of my obsession from drinking and find that as time goes on I find the obsession fades away slowly, as with any other thing. Then it comes back one day; and yes I do pray to my greater power every night.  Not to ask him to change me or make my life easier but to take me into his hands and do with me as he wills.

I do believe my higher power defiantly has a say in my life, I would not be here without him, but what are these Devine experiences that as these people speak of.  I haven’t had that “Ah ha!”  Moment yet in life, like a whoosh and all obsessions are gone.  Is it really true that this happens to everyone at some point?

I guess what I’m asking is what has your experience been of taking the third step and any advice that you may have for me.