Divorce, Suicide and Sobriety

These last two weeks have been super tough. I’m walking through things I never thought possible in sobriety. When I got sober I always had these conditions. If this…then I’ll drink.  I know I was told not too and I had always thought to myself, “How does anyone walk through the super tough stuff sober?” Then March came.

My oldest son has a mental health condition and tried to take his life this week. He’s hospitalized and doing better.  I have written may times about the difficulty in moving into acceptance that I can do nothing to help him other then to hold a safe place of unconditional love.  I have spent my time setting boundaries and asserting myself when necessary.

Then this week I found out my husband has yet another women in our marriage. This is the fourth time we’ve been through this. Not only is he in another relationship, I have found extra phones hidden with them as the screen saver and wads of money stuffed in boxes in our closet.  The whole situation is so incredibly bizarre.  I just didn’t realize that there are people willing to go to such great lengths to conceal the truth.  I mean my gosh that sound exhausting.  When confronted, I’m told he feels trapped, they’ve been together for almost a year, he wants out.  Who is this person living in my house??

I thought about giving up a few times over the last 15 days.  I thought that maybe there was no way to walk through this much pain all at once. I understand that fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth, however it feels like my world is imploding.  It’s a small intense wave of fear and anxiety…  up, up ,up, up then BOOM!  Invariably I slowly come back down.  I had thought that the point was to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t always “get solved”. They come together and then they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that.

I have found quite a bit of freedom in surrendering to all the unknowns ahead of me. It’s almost like once I except it and let the fear in; It no longer consumes me. My minds stops racing and I’m able to start processing. I’m not trying to fix this or figure it out this time.  I’m finally not trying to sweeten it up, smooth it over, or take a pill. I am walking slowly through the pain. I’m right in the middle.  I see the beauty in everything falling apart right now. I’m new, fresh and finally get to start over and walk a new path for myself. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy. Today I’m in a state of serenity and can’t quite tell if it’s the promises working in my life or if I’m still just in shock from the last two weeks.

Messy Jessy

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The final straw

I answered the phone and she said her name was Michelle and just like that I was done…..

Things have been off for awhile. Constant meltdowns; jealously and anger have come up in the most awkward and unsettling moments. All, I knew was this felt familiar, this was a situation I’ve been put in before.

I  worried maybe it was my anxiety or my past trauma causing me to feel uneasy.  But it wasn’t.  My intuition over the last few years had just grown stronger.

It so hard to understand why someone would enter a marriage knowing they are not committed to being faithful.  It’s also hard to let go of something you love so deeply.

These are the two things I’ve been faced with over the last two days.  Like I said internally I’m done.  I’m scared to walk away from something I thought was supposed to be forever.  I’m also scared of all the unknowns.  The only thing I know right now is besides not having honesty in my marriage and a supportive husband I do have a tribe of women who are willing to surround and support me as I walk through this.

Messy Jessy

Simple and Peaceful

Two words I rarely write. That’s because it not how life has ever been for me.  But these last few days’ I’ve looked around and started to notice that things feel normal again.  There is an ebb and flow in the new house.  I mentioned the other day that it’s doesn’t feel real.  It’s like I’m on some sort of extended vacation with the hubs and children.

I had a girlfriend call the other day to see how things were going in the new house.  “Great, really great!” was my response.  She seemed surprised.  She asked how me and the hubs were doing, “Wonderful.” I replied.  I could hear it in her voice she was waiting for me to give her some long-winded story about my traumatic week or some big fight that we have had.  But the truth of the matter is our life is no longer like that.

I never thought I would write these words, but we are starting to move forward and rarely look back.  I have forgiven and even started to forget.  I put up my “No Drama Here” sign and remind people when they start to come on my lawn.

Therapy for us, for him has been a life saver.  When we first started we had to see separate people and convene once a month in a group session.  I wanted to kill him!  I was angry, sad and very bitter. I thought there was no hope for us.  He was a spoiled selfish brat that thought I was over doing it and just wanted me to move on.

With time, years, we have started to work as a team again.  I didn’t realize how distant we had become from each other in the last few years.  We were married but living separate lives under the same roof. I no longer see any one, but he does.  I think it helps him learn how to deal with emotions, life, marriage, a wife….all things he was never taught growing up, but that’s a whole other story…

The fact of the matter is in the last two years he has shown me how much we mean to him. I have watched him endure and come through all the bullshit that came along with an affair, let me tell you, there is a lot of it.  Way more than anyone would have ever expected. I have seen him fight for us and stick up for me when I least expected it. I have seen how hard he has worked to fix things and build a new relationship with me.  I never thought we would be in a place where I feel like I have 100% of his support but that’s how life is starting to feel and it’s really quite peaceful.

Short Rant.

I spent the other night out with girlfriends. Women that were in my wedding..bridesmaids. This is always a tough situation for me.  I know they dislike the hubby, but most say really supportive things like. “You are who we love and support and if said Hubby is part of that, I still love you, because YOU are my friend and I will support you in any decision you think is right.”

I do believe this was a well thought out and talked about response between my lady friends for quite some time before they came to me.

Nerveless, the other night at dinner.  A dinner I didn’t really want to go to. I sat there and looked around, listened to the conversations and felt so out of touch about where their life’s are and where I’m at.  It felt like I don’t quite belong.

We have all known each other for 10 to 12 years.  We’ve been through a  lot of bullshit, divorces, becoming  single moms and even a few new marriages.

But the other night.  At the end of dinner. Six of us sitting around a dimly lit table after enjoying a long super.  A girlfriend of mine grabs my hand.  She holds it tightly and looks me straight in the eyes and says. “I know they say they will only do it once, but it’s a lie. It will happen again.  I want you to be ready and know that, I’ll, we’ll be here for you when the time comes.”

I almost threw up on her, literally.  Gladly, we are a large group of mixed personalities.  I excused myself from dinner and headed home. Immediately, I got a text from a GF. “What the fuck? Seriously, I’m calling you on the drive home, who the fuck says that stuff?!”

I told her I don’t really feel like I belong to the group anymore.  A few still seem to mesh with me, including my GF that called me on the way home.  What she said really stuck with me.  She asked. “Would you trade lives with her? Would you rather be her?’  The answer was a hands down no.  I  know my life isn’t perfect but like she said,  “If you wouldn’t trade places with her, don’t let her comments get you down.”

She right. It’s hard to keep your head up some days, by I’m working on it.  I’m just glad I’m not a crazy bitch, the type that would throw a glass of water across the table on someone, cause that’s what I was thinking as I got up, head spinning and walked out.

Two steps forward and one big step back.

That’s how things have been for me lately.  When will I ever stop being angry?  I thought with time things heal and go away.  I’m not crying every day and I’m not mad every day but I feel like I’ve turned into a needy wife.  I’m desperate for attention and to feel loved.  I have these intense emotional outbursts still.  I have therapy tomorrow night again and I’m hoping it helps.  When will I feel like I’m starting to move forward??

Couple-Holding-Hands-Photographic-P

Nothing is as it seems..

Part 2

The first few days were pure pain.  I went cold turkey no alcohol, no meds.  Not the brightest thing, but that was me.  All or nothing.  I found over the first few days I would stutter, I could not find my words and found it hard to make eye contact with the other girls.  What I did find was.. I did not fit in.  I was looked at, jugged.  I heard a group of girls say one day, look at that fancy bitch with all her poor problems. Bottom line is everyone’s bottom is different.  I did not need to take to the streets or lose everything first.  I was trying to stop the downward momentum.  I thought what I was doing would help, it didn’t.

I spent the first week just plain and simple finding myself. Who am I? How do I sleep? What do I like to eat? How do I feel?

I stayed sober and after two weeks I WENT BACK TO WORK.  My first day I was by myself, sorting, organizing my office.  I think everyone knew I needed space and they gave it to me.  What I did find odd was no phone calls from my husband, not a check in or visit on Sunday, family day. He was busy at work.  This would begin our two-year fight about how his work was so hard and how he had to stay long hours to make ends meet. He would go hours on end talking about how he was stepping up to take care of the family, but it was all a sham.

Two weeks into treatment and I was allowed to go to work.  I had a bit of freedom. I had a car. We never did have to sell his thanks to this great gift I was given.

After a few weeks of no check-ins, no late night I love you’s, I stared snooping. Sure enough a number kept popping up. First thing in the morning, at lunch for half an hour and at the end of the day. Hours and hours of phone calls to who we will call The Hill Billy slut. Never-less I was scared and confused. I thought I went away to save my family, not to lose it. Unfortunately, the hubs had something else on his mind.

Three weeks in, I needed a curling iron, something I had forgotten, dugh, while packing.  I rushed home at lunch, against the rules, but how would they know?  I came in the front door and PANIC was what I saw on his face. I’ve seen that look. I immediately started going through the house looking for “Her”.  I had been here before. I found NOTHING.

I asked, “What’s going on today?”  The baby asleep in his bed and the oldest still at School.  “Nothing, he said?” “How long are you staying?”

lies After that I decided an hour. Hmm, take that and your shit ass plan that I can’t figure out.

But, the genius that my husband may be, he still took her to lunch, put it on our credit card and tried to lie about it. We fought for an hour on the phone that day. Finally, I retreated, I had to go to group. I hated where I was! I hated being trapped away.  All of a sudden working on me was not so important. I was obsessed. Was I crazy like he said? Was my new sobriety clouding my judgment? I let my intuition slide, I stopped trusting in myself and moved on. Biggest mistake ever.