Stay strong

These are words that I find myself saying everyday.  A constant reminder that “I am strong and can do this.”

Sobriety was never anything I thought would be easy and in the beginning. I really thought it would be down right impossible.  But through the last few months I have realized my inner strength and my ability to get through hard times with out having to use or get loaded.

What I have learned over the last 130 days is that I can feel bad, without being or doing bad.  I always thought they were the same thing. Emotions often dictated my attitude and my behavior.  I have learned over the  time that I can have ” feelings”  with out having to completely loose myself in them.  Yes, the ever so dramatic..FML, I can’t believe this is happening to me attitude is starting to dissolve away.

Over the last four months I have actually dealt with an array of things I never thought I would be able to get through sober. Things that were a sure sign I would need a drink at night have been bestowed upon  me and I have manger to stay sober.

-My Grandmother died on my 30 day mark and I didn’t drink.

-My son broke his jaw at school three days later.

-My grandfather passed away 6 weeks after my grandmother.

-My husband lost his job.

The biggest thing that I  have changed in sobriety is my attitude.  I am no longer looking for reasons to drink.  Situations do not dictate my feelings. I am, with the grace of God, in control of myself for the first time in a long time.  I wake up every morning and say a little prayer to get through the day.  At night before bed I hit my knees and thank God for the gift of sobriety. But most importantly, I take life one day at a time.

 

 

 

 

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A little guidance please..

So today I started thinking about honesty in my sobriety.  I get that it is the only way this will work, but at what point are you open and honest with everyone.  Do I have to come out to everyone and Say “I’m a alcoholic!”  Do I need a sign?  Do I slowly tell those that I get together with drawing it out over time?

Right now I feel like I’m in hiding.  I’ve been to a few AA meetings and my closest family knows. I have spoken with two different women that have offered to sponsor me. Neither of them seemed right.  I feel like this journey is extremely personal and very delicate decision.let-go-let-god

It has taken me a very long time to give up and let god….

I wouldn’t say I’m an extremely religious person, but my relationship with God has always been very personal.  He has watched over me for the last 14 years as I tried to self destruct my life.  He  has saved me from two suicide attempts and a very serious overdoes.  I feel like he has a plan for me.  I wouldn’t be here today if he didn’t.

So my question is , What’s next? Do I wait for another sign?  I pray every night for his guidance in my recovery, I pray for a sign of what to do next.  What has help those of you how are currently sober?

This is a new journey for me, 8 days and counting.  What have you found that has helped?

Fake it until you make it?


fake_it

Do you ever feel like a fake, a phony, a fraud?

I have felt that way much of my life — very much.

Today I was sitting down talking to my boss and he gave one of the biggest compliments.  He said he was speaking with upper management and they are opening a new location.  He asked who was the best to train the new office manager and without a hesitation all three of them mentioned my name. This is not the first time something like this has happened. If they only knew……

My whole life anytime I landed a new job, revived a promotion or got an award I’ve always felt that is was some sort of mistake, like an exception was made for me and that I really didn’t deserve it.  I mean come on. I wore my flaws on my sleeve and was always waiting for the powers-that-be to find out and get rid of me.

 That has actually never happened. Very few people know I’m an alcoholic. Actually, most think I don’t even drink, because I would normally only drink at night and at home. But yet it’s never calmed my fears.

Even when I received awards, positive feedback and praise, I still felt a gnawing discomfort that I just didn’t belong.

I have worried about keeping up, regularly questioned my intelligence and abilities and felt insecure all-around most of my life.

If only they knew who I really was.  All of this must be a mistake.  I’m an alcoholic, my life is a shit mess.  I barely make it to work most days and some days I have nothing to give but 50%.  Is my 50% really more than those around me? I can hardly believe that.

They say fake it till you make it.  But what if you have made it by faking it, what happens now?  What happens when I start to be my true self, will people still think I’m amazing, will they catch on that I’m struggling day by day to stay sober?  Will I slip up and actually mention my meetings, AA or sobriety?  What happens in life if you feel like you’ve faked it for the last twelve years and suddenly you have to start being yourself?

Holidays

How does an alcoholic successfully navigate through the upcoming holidays?

I have had a few sober Thanksgivings.  Two to be exact and it’s been the last two years a matter of fact.  The anxiety that overwhelms me is unstoppable.  I’m surrounded by people holding wine glasses full to the top and chit chatting.  There is a back bedroom in my mom’s house that I often go to to retreat.  I sit on the bed, sometimes covered in hives, rocking away.

Eventually, it gets so bad I can’t stand to be in that place anymore.  I ask everyone to get ready to leave and I’m met with comments like “Why, now? We are just starting to have fun.”  Or the infamous….”I’ll be ready after one more.”  One more turns into one more and one more and then just one more.  By this time I’m completely obsessed with getting back to my house where I feel safe.  I turn into the bitch at the party and everyone looks over and says. “Why are you leaving so soon?”  I have become the naggy wife.  I see it on his face too.

This year I’ve offered to visit and take two cars.  I told him once people start drinking and start ignoring the kids, I’m going home.  I would much rather sit on the couch, watch Christmas movies and drink hot coco with my children, than be around that.  Isn’t that what the holiday is about, spending time with your family?Thanksgiving-615x384