My son is a Sociopath

It’s tough to say this out loud. It hurts when I hear it from countless professionals. And It’s difficult to talk about to those I love. But, my son is a sociopath and I need to talk to someone.
From a very young age I knew something was not “right” I was told Autism, Asperger’s. We believed it, we thought it could be treated and then we moved on.
By Kindergarten’s first year, trouble started brewing. He was violent and aggressive with students and teachers. He first threatened to kill himself and another child at age six. I thought it was a phase, I remember the administration telling me what had happened and what he had said. I was concerned, I didn’t know what to do.
I moved him to a different school that year. He had convinced me that they were just picking on him, exaggerating what had really happened. I believed him, after all he was young and seemed so sweet. We did this dance of the moving schools, switching the teachers and counselors for the next two years.
School had gotten bad. He was stealing from his teachers purse out of spite, he had strangled, thier words, not mine, A child on the playground for not getting off a swing when he said so.
I finally found a behavior health school that specialized in Autism that was willing to work with him and we sent him over. He was eight at the time. The classroom where filled with behavior couches, therapist, and safe rooms. He stayed at this school for another four years. His IEP goal was to keep his hands to himself and to not threaten anyone’s life for a whole year before pubic school would look at mainstreaming him. Life seems to get better, he seems to conform. He started following perceived rules. Teachers were happy, he was eventually sent back to public school in seventh grade.
As soon as he was back in school things started to “Happen” again. People got hurt, things went missing, teachers were constantly calling and asking why he refused to listen. No one knew what was going on. It was almost like he enjoyed it. That was right around the same time I got married and had another baby.
Everything changed as soon as I brought another person into my life. Immediately my son started telling teachers, therapist that my husband was starving him, beating him. We had quite a few phone calls, house visits, CPS cases. Every time we met with a new professional. I told them everything that was happening. I asked for help, I begged for resources. I was given a look of confusion each time and they all told me there wasn’t much they could do. I was told it was bad behavior, maybe hormones of the teen years with the Autism that caused it. I was told he would grow out of it. I almost believed them.
It’s now been another five years. My son no longer lives in our home. The last five years he has spent terrorizing his little brother and those around me. He became obsessed with watching car death you-tube crashes and other violent things online. Life became completely unmanageable.
I spent two years with professionals coming in and out of our house. We had a behavior coach and mentor take him to be sociable with other teens. We had him volunteer at shelters. We did one on one in house family therapy and empathy engaging activities. Nothing seemed to help. He spent his time terrorizing our home and taking control over those closest to him. He tied up his little brother and gagged him, left him under our stairs. He attacked me in the back with a hammer and stripped me naked and threw me outside the house on one occasion. I finally let the state take him to a specialized mental health facility last year.
It’s been tough. Nothing has gotten better, just worse. He hurts the other children with him. Mostly psychological, threats to their loved ones. Promises to hurt if they don’t comply, listen and carry out his tasks. He’s been moved three times over the last year. It seems there is no hope.
I’m not sure why my GOD would make a child like this, I’m often wondering why he would give him to me. I pray, I have hope, and I give up every single day all at the same time.

Messy Jessy

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Stuck!

So I found myself in the middle of argument that unveiled another lie today.  It’s  wasn’t a big lie, or even the first one and quite frankly actually very smallstuck-in-the-middle-1024x1024 compared to those of the past.  Only, this time it made me realize that I truly don’t know the person standing in front of me.  It’s a harsh reality, especial on thanksgiving.

I spent the day thinking about lying, why someone lies.  Why I’ve lied in the past and what I thought I was accomplishing by doing so and pondering why someone would lie about their whole life….

Don’t get me wrong, I’m an alcoholic and have lied through quite a bit of my life, but at the end of the day it was to hide who I hated the most, the real me.

What does one think they will accomplish by lying all the time?  Do they truly believe that everyone around them thinks they are telling the truth?

Today I got into a stupid argument with my husband.  He’s been abusing coke and stimulants since we met.  He would disappear for days on end and come home hours after worked close many times.  Today we were talking and he causally mentioned he had never been to his drug dealer’s house, it was just a phone call away.  For me this was a flood of emotions, every time he was home late or didn’t come home, that’s where he said he was. It dawned on me, where was he for the past year??

I have worked on myself and to better my family.  I take care of the children full-time, sometimes two weeks on end.  I switch schools, arrange new daycare’s, pay all the bills , navigate our healthcare system for or sons upcoming surgery, reserve moving trucks, pack boxes,find storage units, go to doctors appointments, deal with lawyers,hand surgeons, school districts and build a new house all while managing a small business.

Today he came home, I knew this would happen.  He told me I was a nagging bitch.  He says ” I’m not super man!” I’ve heard this sob story before. Don’t get me wrong, he works hard but I told him I don’t need superman!  I need an adult, a husband that can help.  I NEED help.  It was the down fall of our day.

Today was shit, I drank two drinks and retreated to bed.  My life seems stuck, stuck forever.

Trust.

trust11The other day my husband called and could hear me typing away on the computer.  He asked what I was doing and I politely replied “Nothing.”

I could tell this hurt his feelings, so I told him I was blogging to release anxiety about the upcoming weekend.  “Blogging, he said?  When did this start?” “Can I read it?”

I started to explained to him that I had quit drinking last week and that I was looking for a way to get what’s in my head out without bothering those around me. (He works 3 hours way and is gone sometimes two weeks at a time or more.)  He asked that I include him and talk to him about what’s going on. He said he wanted to be there and help in any way he could.

See, the problem is we’ve never had a great relationship.  Last time I went away for treatment he took advantage of it and started an affair with his boss. It lasted almost a year and devastated me and the children.  I found out about it much later.  After, I had poured my heart out and thought that I had a shoulder to lean on, some sort of support system from a friend, I was completely crushed.

In a million years I never thought that he would take advantage of me.  I thought he loved me, I thought he was my best friend. I feel like I deserved it for putting him through my drinking problem. I started drinking heaving again as soon as I found out to numb the pain.

I let him know this time around I really wanted to try to figure out thing’s myself first.  I told him I would try to include him, but honestly, I really don’t want to have to rely on him for anything right now.  I’m scared if I include him on this sober journey that it won’t be successful.  I’m too scared to let him back in.

Inside Out

Continuous effort – not strength or intelligence –is the key to unlocking our potential.  – Liane Cordes

Perseverance may be my greatest asset.   I have tried before to quit.   I have had four days, sixteen days and even five months once.  But one thing I never felt I had been, was free from my bind with alcohol.

I use to think in my mind that I would have to quit drinking forever. When I use to say it out loud it sounded so sad.  Almost like a punishment.  An unspeakable task at hand.  I mean how can anyone stop drinking forever?

Now when I say it out loud, it feels a bit different.  It feels like a release.  It’s the kind of feeling you get after you purge your whole house of all the junk you’ve been hording for the last ten years.open-door2

I have been hoarding my alcoholism for over ten years.  I kept it tucked away back in a closet and tried to keep the door shut so no one would see it.  The problem was, I KNEW it’s there. Every day, I knew what I was hiding.  I would tell myself, no one can see it, but I was wrong.  My mess of a life had already starting to overfill my secret hiding place and find its way out. I spent the last few years struggling to push it back in, hide it away and pretend like life is normal.

I think I use to do that because; secretly I wanted to keep my addiction.  I wanted people to think that I was normal, so I could allow myself to drink again.  I wanted to hide all the internal struggles I was having so I could have a drink again. I wanted to be able to go to Thanksgiving and have a glass of wine.  I wanted to go to dinner parties and drink like everyone else was.  Finally, I have grasped that my real problem is; I’m not like everyone else. I’m different. I am an alcoholic.

I have unlocked that dark closet and started to empty it out.  I have at last decided to let all my insides out..