My son is a Sociopath

It’s tough to say this out loud. It hurts when I hear it from countless professionals. And It’s difficult to talk about to those I love. But, my son is a sociopath and I need to talk to someone.
From a very young age I knew something was not “right” I was told Autism, Asperger’s. We believed it, we thought it could be treated and then we moved on.
By Kindergarten’s first year, trouble started brewing. He was violent and aggressive with students and teachers. He first threatened to kill himself and another child at age six. I thought it was a phase, I remember the administration telling me what had happened and what he had said. I was concerned, I didn’t know what to do.
I moved him to a different school that year. He had convinced me that they were just picking on him, exaggerating what had really happened. I believed him, after all he was young and seemed so sweet. We did this dance of the moving schools, switching the teachers and counselors for the next two years.
School had gotten bad. He was stealing from his teachers purse out of spite, he had strangled, thier words, not mine, A child on the playground for not getting off a swing when he said so.
I finally found a behavior health school that specialized in Autism that was willing to work with him and we sent him over. He was eight at the time. The classroom where filled with behavior couches, therapist, and safe rooms. He stayed at this school for another four years. His IEP goal was to keep his hands to himself and to not threaten anyone’s life for a whole year before pubic school would look at mainstreaming him. Life seems to get better, he seems to conform. He started following perceived rules. Teachers were happy, he was eventually sent back to public school in seventh grade.
As soon as he was back in school things started to “Happen” again. People got hurt, things went missing, teachers were constantly calling and asking why he refused to listen. No one knew what was going on. It was almost like he enjoyed it. That was right around the same time I got married and had another baby.
Everything changed as soon as I brought another person into my life. Immediately my son started telling teachers, therapist that my husband was starving him, beating him. We had quite a few phone calls, house visits, CPS cases. Every time we met with a new professional. I told them everything that was happening. I asked for help, I begged for resources. I was given a look of confusion each time and they all told me there wasn’t much they could do. I was told it was bad behavior, maybe hormones of the teen years with the Autism that caused it. I was told he would grow out of it. I almost believed them.
It’s now been another five years. My son no longer lives in our home. The last five years he has spent terrorizing his little brother and those around me. He became obsessed with watching car death you-tube crashes and other violent things online. Life became completely unmanageable.
I spent two years with professionals coming in and out of our house. We had a behavior coach and mentor take him to be sociable with other teens. We had him volunteer at shelters. We did one on one in house family therapy and empathy engaging activities. Nothing seemed to help. He spent his time terrorizing our home and taking control over those closest to him. He tied up his little brother and gagged him, left him under our stairs. He attacked me in the back with a hammer and stripped me naked and threw me outside the house on one occasion. I finally let the state take him to a specialized mental health facility last year.
It’s been tough. Nothing has gotten better, just worse. He hurts the other children with him. Mostly psychological, threats to their loved ones. Promises to hurt if they don’t comply, listen and carry out his tasks. He’s been moved three times over the last year. It seems there is no hope.
I’m not sure why my GOD would make a child like this, I’m often wondering why he would give him to me. I pray, I have hope, and I give up every single day all at the same time.

Messy Jessy

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Stress and mental health

I’m learning how to deal with stress and anxiety in different ways.  I really thought about it and I think that’s my biggest road block, not the drinking itself. Me not knowing how to handle tough moments in life. That’s what always brings me right back to it.

In the past, when I felt anxious, even as a child, I reached for something.  I started using drugs at 13 years old till I was 19, hard drugs, not your standard pot. After a few years of sobriety I started to drink, when I felt bad. I don’t think I have ever really had a time in my life when I just work through the feelings I’m having. The big ugly scary ones..

I realized that last night.  After my first pledge to stop drinking yet again.  I got an unpleasant phone call from a wife that use to work with my husband.  His old mistress was now sleeping with her husband and she wanted me to help her in getting her fired. I almost loss it.
The first thing I thought was,”Drink!” I mean come on!! How long is this going to follow me around for years? and today?  Today out of all days, REALLY??? I hung up and blocked her number.  First time I didn’t lose it all over again on him and I’m trying to just let it go today and focus on whats important me.
I got on my blog and started reading about mental health and anxiety.  It passed and I went to sleep by 12 am.  I had nightmares all night and would wake in a panic, then go back to sleep and it would happen all over gain.  But you know what? I woke up this morning and after a shower and some coffee I feel better.  I’m glad I didn’t drink.  I was surprised after my vow for the day, how quick my brain goes straight to drinking.  I’m exploring this with my therapist this week.  Hopefully she can provide some help.

Over 50 days

I had over 50 days of sobriety and decided to give in Saturday night.  I’m starting to think this thing is impossible.

I had 50 days and was all “This is so easy, I don’t have a problem, I’m sure I can just have a drink every now and then.”  I drank and wam bam ended right back at the start again.  I’m starting to wonder if I’m ever going to get this down.

A new day.

I had an epic melt down last night.  I have never cried so hard in my life.  My husband called to talk to me and I just balled and balled. It was so bad my little one came to me and patted my back, kissed me on the forehead and told me everything is going to be ok.

I talked to my therapist yesterday and have decided that I am just going to focus on me.  I’m sober, but a dry drunk.  I’m unhappy more now than I ever was before.  I think with the drinking it helped to push back some of my emotions and numb the pain.  Now that it’s gone I’m angry and sad, very sad.

I also reached out to my sober pen pall last night. She also told me focus on me first, just me and getting better.  She told me that everything else would fall into place where it needs to be.  She said with time my husband would see me changing and that eventually he would change too.  But what she did say was not to worry about my marriage or him or anything besides staying sober and getting stronger.

I woke up today without the heaviness on my heart that I’ve had these last few weeks. I’m focused on me.