It’s tough to say this out loud. It hurts when I hear it from countless professionals. And It’s difficult to talk about to those I love. But, my son is a sociopath and I need to talk to someone.
From a very young age I knew something was not “right” I was told Autism, Asperger’s. We believed it, we thought it could be treated and then we moved on.
By Kindergarten’s first year, trouble started brewing. He was violent and aggressive with students and teachers. He first threatened to kill himself and another child at age six. I thought it was a phase, I remember the administration telling me what had happened and what he had said. I was concerned, I didn’t know what to do.
I moved him to a different school that year. He had convinced me that they were just picking on him, exaggerating what had really happened. I believed him, after all he was young and seemed so sweet. We did this dance of the moving schools, switching the teachers and counselors for the next two years.
School had gotten bad. He was stealing from his teachers purse out of spite, he had strangled, thier words, not mine, A child on the playground for not getting off a swing when he said so.
I finally found a behavior health school that specialized in Autism that was willing to work with him and we sent him over. He was eight at the time. The classroom where filled with behavior couches, therapist, and safe rooms. He stayed at this school for another four years. His IEP goal was to keep his hands to himself and to not threaten anyone’s life for a whole year before pubic school would look at mainstreaming him. Life seems to get better, he seems to conform. He started following perceived rules. Teachers were happy, he was eventually sent back to public school in seventh grade.
As soon as he was back in school things started to “Happen” again. People got hurt, things went missing, teachers were constantly calling and asking why he refused to listen. No one knew what was going on. It was almost like he enjoyed it. That was right around the same time I got married and had another baby.
Everything changed as soon as I brought another person into my life. Immediately my son started telling teachers, therapist that my husband was starving him, beating him. We had quite a few phone calls, house visits, CPS cases. Every time we met with a new professional. I told them everything that was happening. I asked for help, I begged for resources. I was given a look of confusion each time and they all told me there wasn’t much they could do. I was told it was bad behavior, maybe hormones of the teen years with the Autism that caused it. I was told he would grow out of it. I almost believed them.
It’s now been another five years. My son no longer lives in our home. The last five years he has spent terrorizing his little brother and those around me. He became obsessed with watching car death you-tube crashes and other violent things online. Life became completely unmanageable.
I spent two years with professionals coming in and out of our house. We had a behavior coach and mentor take him to be sociable with other teens. We had him volunteer at shelters. We did one on one in house family therapy and empathy engaging activities. Nothing seemed to help. He spent his time terrorizing our home and taking control over those closest to him. He tied up his little brother and gagged him, left him under our stairs. He attacked me in the back with a hammer and stripped me naked and threw me outside the house on one occasion. I finally let the state take him to a specialized mental health facility last year.
It’s been tough. Nothing has gotten better, just worse. He hurts the other children with him. Mostly psychological, threats to their loved ones. Promises to hurt if they don’t comply, listen and carry out his tasks. He’s been moved three times over the last year. It seems there is no hope.
I’m not sure why my GOD would make a child like this, I’m often wondering why he would give him to me. I pray, I have hope, and I give up every single day all at the same time.
It’s been quite some time since I’ve written. Life has been crazy,I’m not going to lie. But there is a blessing in having everything seemingly falling apart around you yet still being able to hit your pillow every night sober. God is good. ❤
Today you turned five. And I woke up to the repeating realization that these years are going by too quickly. Motherhood is the cruelest, most beautiful, and most bittersweet piece of life that I have ever been able to experience. You arrived and motherhood consumed me. Motherhood to two little men showed me what I could do and who I could be.
I have carried you within me, I have held your hand as you learned to walk, wiped your tears as you fell down, I have encouraged you, I have cheered for you, I have felt your fears, I have embraced you when you have needed me and I have watched you all along the way. And every year you get older I realize that, while my job will never end as your mother, you will one day not ask for my hand to steady you, you will wipe your own tears when you fall, you will push yourself and you will conquer your fears. Happy fifth Birthday my sweet Cruz, you’re a big boy now!
Anxiety, that feeling you get when you do something you know that’s not right. I won’t get into detail. I just think it’s so important to really think about what you say before you say it. Words can’t be taken back, actions can not be undone.
Two words I rarely write. That’s because it not how life has ever been for me. But these last few days’ I’ve looked around and started to notice that things feel normal again. There is an ebb and flow in the new house. I mentioned the other day that it’s doesn’t feel real. It’s like I’m on some sort of extended vacation with the hubs and children.
I had a girlfriend call the other day to see how things were going in the new house. “Great, really great!” was my response. She seemed surprised. She asked how me and the hubs were doing, “Wonderful.” I replied. I could hear it in her voice she was waiting for me to give her some long-winded story about my traumatic week or some big fight that we have had. But the truth of the matter is our life is no longer like that.
I never thought I would write these words, but we are starting to move forward and rarely look back. I have forgiven and even started to forget. I put up my “No Drama Here” sign and remind people when they start to come on my lawn.
Therapy for us, for him has been a life saver. When we first started we had to see separate people and convene once a month in a group session. I wanted to kill him! I was angry, sad and very bitter. I thought there was no hope for us. He was a spoiled selfish brat that thought I was over doing it and just wanted me to move on.
With time, years, we have started to work as a team again. I didn’t realize how distant we had become from each other in the last few years. We were married but living separate lives under the same roof. I no longer see any one, but he does. I think it helps him learn how to deal with emotions, life, marriage, a wife….all things he was never taught growing up, but that’s a whole other story…
The fact of the matter is in the last two years he has shown me how much we mean to him. I have watched him endure and come through all the bullshit that came along with an affair, let me tell you, there is a lot of it. Way more than anyone would have ever expected. I have seen him fight for us and stick up for me when I least expected it. I have seen how hard he has worked to fix things and build a new relationship with me. I never thought we would be in a place where I feel like I have 100% of his support but that’s how life is starting to feel and it’s really quite peaceful.
So much has happened in the last week.
We bought and moved into a new house. On closing day, I lost a very close family friend. The day of move I was stalked online relentlessly by the mistress or the OW, as we say online. Needless to say, I spent some time in therapy with the hubs. I managed to avoid a total meltdown while moving a house of four this weekend…..by myself.
Lots of self discovery and new coping skills. A few good stories too.
When I have time I will get online and actually write about it. Oh and did I mention I’m interviewing for a new position at a big company tomorrow? Send lots of prayers and happy thoughts my way. I need them this week
Lots of love. xoxo MessyJessy
I’m learning how to deal with stress and anxiety in different ways. I really thought about it and I think that’s my biggest road block, not the drinking itself. Me not knowing how to handle tough moments in life. That’s what always brings me right back to it.
In the past, when I felt anxious, even as a child, I reached for something. I started using drugs at 13 years old till I was 19, hard drugs, not your standard pot. After a few years of sobriety I started to drink, when I felt bad. I don’t think I have ever really had a time in my life when I just work through the feelings I’m having. The big ugly scary ones..
I realized that last night. After my first pledge to stop drinking yet again. I got an unpleasant phone call from a wife that use to work with my husband. His old mistress was now sleeping with her husband and she wanted me to help her in getting her fired. I almost loss it.
The first thing I thought was,”Drink!” I mean come on!! How long is this going to follow me around for years? and today? Today out of all days, REALLY??? I hung up and blocked her number. First time I didn’t lose it all over again on him and I’m trying to just let it go today and focus on whats important me.
I got on my blog and started reading about mental health and anxiety. It passed and I went to sleep by 12 am. I had nightmares all night and would wake in a panic, then go back to sleep and it would happen all over gain. But you know what? I woke up this morning and after a shower and some coffee I feel better. I’m glad I didn’t drink. I was surprised after my vow for the day, how quick my brain goes straight to drinking. I’m exploring this with my therapist this week. Hopefully she can provide some help.