Divorce, Suicide and Sobriety

These last two weeks have been super tough. I’m walking through things I never thought possible in sobriety. When I got sober I always had these conditions. If this…then I’ll drink.  I know I was told not too and I had always thought to myself, “How does anyone walk through the super tough stuff sober?” Then March came.

My oldest son has a mental health condition and tried to take his life this week. He’s hospitalized and doing better.  I have written may times about the difficulty in moving into acceptance that I can do nothing to help him other then to hold a safe place of unconditional love.  I have spent my time setting boundaries and asserting myself when necessary.

Then this week I found out my husband has yet another women in our marriage. This is the fourth time we’ve been through this. Not only is he in another relationship, I have found extra phones hidden with them as the screen saver and wads of money stuffed in boxes in our closet.  The whole situation is so incredibly bizarre.  I just didn’t realize that there are people willing to go to such great lengths to conceal the truth.  I mean my gosh that sound exhausting.  When confronted, I’m told he feels trapped, they’ve been together for almost a year, he wants out.  Who is this person living in my house??

I thought about giving up a few times over the last 15 days.  I thought that maybe there was no way to walk through this much pain all at once. I understand that fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth, however it feels like my world is imploding.  It’s a small intense wave of fear and anxiety…  up, up ,up, up then BOOM!  Invariably I slowly come back down.  I had thought that the point was to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t always “get solved”. They come together and then they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that.

I have found quite a bit of freedom in surrendering to all the unknowns ahead of me. It’s almost like once I except it and let the fear in; It no longer consumes me. My minds stops racing and I’m able to start processing. I’m not trying to fix this or figure it out this time.  I’m finally not trying to sweeten it up, smooth it over, or take a pill. I am walking slowly through the pain. I’m right in the middle.  I see the beauty in everything falling apart right now. I’m new, fresh and finally get to start over and walk a new path for myself. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy. Today I’m in a state of serenity and can’t quite tell if it’s the promises working in my life or if I’m still just in shock from the last two weeks.

Messy Jessy

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Problems with Ego

When I first came into this whole sobriety thing I thought my problems were all centered around drugs and alcohol.  I thought “If I could just figure out how to get rid of this stuff for good, everything else will be better.”

Little did I know my biggest problem was actually me. I am my biggest hurdle in life.  Overtime I have learned the importance I put on myself, my self worth and my showmanship. The harder I work to prove myself, the farther I am from serenity.  You know serenity was all I was ever looking for.  As I look back.. every drink I took, every drug I put in my body was just a quest for that “Ahhh” moment.  Trying to achieve true serenity over and over again only to find myself hopelessly lost and miserable.

So how do I find the balance of managing my inner drive to be the best and to prove myself, with my desire to be humble? Suppressing the ego, is what it comes down to for me.

I walk a fine line of grace, a very fine line. For me when my inner ego pops up. That voice that says “I’m better than that.” “I shouldn’t have to do this.”  I pause, I pray and I listen to my heart. Often times my ego pops up and I forget who I am and where I came from. I’m constantly having to sit, connect, mediate and sort out what I really need or want.

Today was no different for me. I  have a high stress job where I’m required to fix BIG problems.  I want to be the best, I want to figure it all out.  When things pop up and I can’t “Figure it out”, I start to lose it.  I find myself more aware now of the amount of uncomfortableness that comes with my self awareness of wanting to be in control all the time. Practice the pause  This is what comes to mind…

The question for me is always “Am I doing this for me or am I doing this to prove something for someone else?

If it’s not for me or my desire is not to help others without any expectations of praise or reward in return, than I’m acting out of ego driven fear.

Over the last year my heart has started to become louder than my head. My inner drive is more pure to help others without any returns or rewards. Life has stared to settle a bit and I have been able to start to define my true self. What do I like? What do I do for fun? What is my purpose?

How do you all deal with ego driven thoughts?

Messy Jessy

Good Enough

I woke up today and I found myself realizing how different I feel about my life and the things going on in it.

LETS JUST START WITH.  I’m sober, like REALLY FUCK’N SOBER.

I thought that was NEVER going to happen!  It kinda makes me feel like a bad-ass or magical. It’s actually a little bit of both and quite frankly that’s cool, because for the most part I’ve never really liked myself.

I have found that most of my life I measure my success on quite possibly the most immeasurable things.  Like, I’m a good mom if my kids are doing well.  I’m a good wife only if my marriage is prefect.  If my house is a mess, I’m clearly not a good homemaker.

TRY Harder, that’s what my brain always tells me.  DO MORE, KEEP GOING!  It’s exhausting to think about and it unravels my emotional stability far to fast. Will I ever be enough?

Over the last year a a half I have started to measure my success not on the things I am able to do physically or how the outwards appearance looks, but how I’m doing emotionally and on how I feel inside. Do I like myself??

This has been one of the hardest things for me.  I am in a marriage that is not only imperfect but sometimes not what I wanted at all.  Yet I’m able to support another human being in life.  I am a mother to a son that does not live in my house. He has severe mental health issues and lives in an institutional setting. I am still a wonderful mother and I’m proud of the path I have walked over the last year making the tough decisions I’ve had to.

I show up every day with a new perspective on how to handle situations and how to deal with life. Instead of trying harder in life, I try something different.  I let go of control and as soon as I do everything falls into place.  I stop being so self critical and realize it’s just me judging me.  I try to listen to my heart.  I am no longer striving for perfection or trying to fix the situation. I am now starting to realize I am good enough.

 

My son is a Sociopath

It’s tough to say this out loud. It hurts when I hear it from countless professionals. And It’s difficult to talk about to those I love. But, my son is a sociopath and I need to talk to someone.

From a very young age I knew something was not “right” I was told Autism, Asperger’s. We believed it, we thought it could be treated and then we moved on.

By Kindergarten’s first year, trouble started brewing. He was violent and aggressive with students and teachers. He first threatened to kill himself and another child at age six. I thought it was a phase, I remember the administration telling me what had happened and what he had said. I was concerned, I didn’t know what to do.
I moved him to a different school that year.

He had convinced me that they were just picking on him, exaggerating what had really happened. I believed him, after all he was young and seemed so sweet. We did this dance of the moving schools, switching the teachers and counselors for the next two years.

School had gotten bad. He was stealing from his teachers purse out of spite, he had strangled, their words, not mine, A child on the playground for not getting off a swing when he said so.

I finally found a behavior health school that specialized in Autism that was willing to work with him and we sent him over. He was eight at the time. The classroom where filled with behavior coaches, therapist, and safe rooms. He stayed at this school for another four years. His IEP goal was to keep his hands to himself and to not threaten anyone’s life for a whole year before public school would look at mainstreaming him.

Life seems to get better, he seems to conform. He started following perceived rules. Teachers were happy, he was eventually sent back to public school in seventh grade.

As soon as he was back in school things started to “Happen” again. People got hurt, things went missing, teachers were constantly calling and asking why he refused to listen. No one knew what was going on. It was almost like he enjoyed it. That was right around the same time I got married and had another baby.

Everything changed as soon as I brought another person into my life. Immediately my son started telling teachers, therapist that my husband was starving him, beating him. We had quite a few phone calls, house visits, CPS cases. Every time we met with a new professional. I told them everything that was happening. I asked for help, I begged for resources. I was given a look of confusion each time and they all told me there wasn’t much they could do. I was told it was bad behavior, maybe hormones of the teen years with the Autism that caused it. I was told he would grow out of it. I almost believed them.

It’s now been another five years. My son no longer lives in our home. The last five years he has spent terrorizing his little brother and those around me. He became obsessed with watching car death you-tube crashes and other violent things online. Life became completely unmanageable.

I spent two years with professionals coming in and out of our house. We had a behavior coach and mentor take him to be sociable with other teens. We had him volunteer at shelters. We did one on one in house family therapy and empathy engaging activities. Nothing seemed to help. He spent his time terrorizing our home and taking control over those closest to him. He tied up his little brother and gagged him, left him under our stairs. He attacked me in the back with a hammer and stripped me naked and threw me outside the house on one occasion. I finally let the state take him to a specialized mental health facility last year.

It’s been tough. Nothing has gotten better, just worse. He hurts the other children with him. Mostly psychological, threats to their loved ones. Promises to hurt if they don’t comply, listen and carry out his tasks. He’s been moved three times over the last year. It seems there is no hope.

I’m not sure why my GOD would make a child like this, I’m often wondering why he would give him to me. I pray, I have hope, and I give up every single day all at the same time.

Messy Jessy

Just me

It’s been some time since I’ve wrote.

Life has been hard and times have been rough. I would like to say in sobriety I have felt with a degree of difficulty in life that I have never felt before, but that’s not true. Life is as ever difficult and nothing has come my way that’s new. What’s new is the feelings. I feel things in difficult times that I use to numb away.

I find myself daydreaming about a life without problems. I find myself unfocused and trying to control everything around me since I have no control over myself. I feel stuck. I’m nine months in and feel like the progress I’ve made is slime to none.

I get it, don’t worry, it’s my disease speaking. I just find myself wondering if the down side of me will ever come back up. I have spoken to mental health providers and my Sponsor about how I’m feeling. Maybe it’s time to for me to get back into my mental health management.

I always thought with sobriety my mental health wound improve as well. It’s a tough pill to swallow and I’m not kidding about that. I wonder if those of you out there have been through similar times.What has been you’re experience in depression and anxiety after sobriety and how have you handled it??

 

Messy Jessy

Last Night

Yesterday was a rough day with my anxiety in all.  I mottled through the day. Stuttering occasionally and avoiding eye contact until five pm came around.

I came home last night and made dinner. Then I sat down and watched some T.V. with the kids.  I kept thinking wine, wine, and wine.  I thought to myself maybe I’ll go grab some sweets at the store instead.  All the while in the back of my mind, still thinking…..wine.

I looked at the clock eight pm, almost time for bed. Then I did it, I grabbed my shoes, keys and hopped into the car.  I put the key into the ignition and nothing.  It wouldn’t start!  I got frustrated and lifted the hood. This is a new Honda, only two years old. I thought “The battery must be loose.”  I fiddled around and heard the horn go off.  I got back in and I put the key in the ignition. Bright dash lights, Oooo, then nothing. I picked the hood back up and tried to tighten the loose screw, the threads were missing.  I banged my hands on the steering wheel and looked up and said, OK! OK! OK! OK!

I went to bed sober last night.