When I first came into this whole sobriety thing I thought my problems were all centered around drugs and alcohol. I thought “If I could just figure out how to get rid of this stuff for good, everything else will be better.”
Little did I know my biggest problem was actually me. I am my biggest hurdle in life. Overtime I have learned the importance I put on myself, my self worth and my showmanship. The harder I work to prove myself, the farther I am from serenity. You know serenity was all I was ever looking for. As I look back.. every drink I took, every drug I put in my body was just a quest for that “Ahhh” moment. Trying to achieve true serenity over and over again only to find myself hopelessly lost and miserable.
So how do I find the balance of managing my inner drive to be the best and to prove myself, with my desire to be humble? Suppressing the ego, is what it comes down to for me.
I walk a fine line of grace, a very fine line. For me when my inner ego pops up. That voice that says “I’m better than that.” “I shouldn’t have to do this.” I pause, I pray and I listen to my heart. Often times my ego pops up and I forget who I am and where I came from. I’m constantly having to sit, connect, mediate and sort out what I really need or want.
Today was no different for me. I have a high stress job where I’m required to fix BIG problems. I want to be the best, I want to figure it all out. When things pop up and I can’t “Figure it out”, I start to lose it. I find myself more aware now of the amount of uncomfortableness that comes with my self awareness of wanting to be in control all the time. Practice the pause This is what comes to mind…
The question for me is always “Am I doing this for me or am I doing this to prove something for someone else?
If it’s not for me or my desire is not to help others without any expectations of praise or reward in return, than I’m acting out of ego driven fear.
Over the last year my heart has started to become louder than my head. My inner drive is more pure to help others without any returns or rewards. Life has stared to settle a bit and I have been able to start to define my true self. What do I like? What do I do for fun? What is my purpose?
How do you all deal with ego driven thoughts?