My son is a Sociopath

It’s tough to say this out loud. It hurts when I hear it from countless professionals. And It’s difficult to talk about to those I love. But, my son is a sociopath and I need to talk to someone.
From a very young age I knew something was not “right” I was told Autism, Asperger’s. We believed it, we thought it could be treated and then we moved on.
By Kindergarten’s first year, trouble started brewing. He was violent and aggressive with students and teachers. He first threatened to kill himself and another child at age six. I thought it was a phase, I remember the administration telling me what had happened and what he had said. I was concerned, I didn’t know what to do.
I moved him to a different school that year. He had convinced me that they were just picking on him, exaggerating what had really happened. I believed him, after all he was young and seemed so sweet. We did this dance of the moving schools, switching the teachers and counselors for the next two years.
School had gotten bad. He was stealing from his teachers purse out of spite, he had strangled, thier words, not mine, A child on the playground for not getting off a swing when he said so.
I finally found a behavior health school that specialized in Autism that was willing to work with him and we sent him over. He was eight at the time. The classroom where filled with behavior couches, therapist, and safe rooms. He stayed at this school for another four years. His IEP goal was to keep his hands to himself and to not threaten anyone’s life for a whole year before pubic school would look at mainstreaming him. Life seems to get better, he seems to conform. He started following perceived rules. Teachers were happy, he was eventually sent back to public school in seventh grade.
As soon as he was back in school things started to “Happen” again. People got hurt, things went missing, teachers were constantly calling and asking why he refused to listen. No one knew what was going on. It was almost like he enjoyed it. That was right around the same time I got married and had another baby.
Everything changed as soon as I brought another person into my life. Immediately my son started telling teachers, therapist that my husband was starving him, beating him. We had quite a few phone calls, house visits, CPS cases. Every time we met with a new professional. I told them everything that was happening. I asked for help, I begged for resources. I was given a look of confusion each time and they all told me there wasn’t much they could do. I was told it was bad behavior, maybe hormones of the teen years with the Autism that caused it. I was told he would grow out of it. I almost believed them.
It’s now been another five years. My son no longer lives in our home. The last five years he has spent terrorizing his little brother and those around me. He became obsessed with watching car death you-tube crashes and other violent things online. Life became completely unmanageable.
I spent two years with professionals coming in and out of our house. We had a behavior coach and mentor take him to be sociable with other teens. We had him volunteer at shelters. We did one on one in house family therapy and empathy engaging activities. Nothing seemed to help. He spent his time terrorizing our home and taking control over those closest to him. He tied up his little brother and gagged him, left him under our stairs. He attacked me in the back with a hammer and stripped me naked and threw me outside the house on one occasion. I finally let the state take him to a specialized mental health facility last year.
It’s been tough. Nothing has gotten better, just worse. He hurts the other children with him. Mostly psychological, threats to their loved ones. Promises to hurt if they don’t comply, listen and carry out his tasks. He’s been moved three times over the last year. It seems there is no hope.
I’m not sure why my GOD would make a child like this, I’m often wondering why he would give him to me. I pray, I have hope, and I give up every single day all at the same time.

Messy Jessy

Just me

It’s been some time since I’ve wrote.

Life has been hard and times have been rough. I would like to say in sobriety I have felt with a degree of difficulty in life that I have never felt before, but that’s not true. Life is as ever difficult and nothing has come my way that’s new. What’s new is the feelings. I feel things in difficult times that I use to numb away.

I find myself daydreaming about a life without problems. I find myself unfocused and trying to control everything around me since I have no control over myself. I feel stuck. I’m nine months in and feel like the progress I’ve made is slime to none.

I get it, don’t worry, it’s my disease speaking. I just find myself wondering if the down side of me will ever come back up. I have spoken to mental health providers and my Sponsor about how I’m feeling. Maybe it’s time to for me to get back into my mental health management.

I always thought with sobriety my mental health wound improve as well. It’s a tough pill to swallow and I’m not kidding about that. I wonder if those of you out there have been through similar times.What has been you’re experience in depression and anxiety after sobriety and how have you handled it??

Last Night

Yesterday was a rough day with my anxiety in all.  I mottled through the day. Stuttering occasionally and avoiding eye contact until five pm came around.

I came home last night and made dinner. Then I sat down and watched some T.V. with the kids.  I kept thinking wine, wine, and wine.  I thought to myself maybe I’ll go grab some sweets at the store instead.  All the while in the back of my mind, still thinking…..wine.

I looked at the clock eight pm, almost time for bed. Then I did it, I grabbed my shoes, keys and hopped into the car.  I put the key into the ignition and nothing.  It wouldn’t start!  I got frustrated and lifted the hood. This is a new Honda, only two years old. I thought “The battery must be loose.”  I fiddled around and heard the horn go off.  I got back in and I put the key in the ignition. Bright dash lights, Oooo, then nothing. I picked the hood back up and tried to tighten the loose screw, the threads were missing.  I banged my hands on the steering wheel and looked up and said, OK! OK! OK! OK!

I went to bed sober last night.

You can’t have it!

So the other woman called my hubby last night. Actually it was her new boyfriend. Lovely, they know each other because they use to work together.(Nice to know she’s keeping it in the workplace still, management must be so proud.) He called to asked something about how he cooked a steak or some other bullshit. Basically to fuck with us, I mean me.  Huge trigger by the way when this stuff comes up and it’s been two years.

So. BIG HUGE FIGHT WITH HUBBY. Actually, it only lasted 3 minutes.  I took the advise of a blogger on here and when huge trigger shit comes up, Belle says go to bed. So, I went to bed! First thing as I climbed into bed sobbing was my voice in my head “Let’s go get a bottle of wine, it’ll make us feel better.”

My doctor recognizes I have and alcohol problem but also panic attacks are a real thing for me.  I get ten Ativan a year for emergencies. I went down stairs and took an anxiety pill. It’s been five months since I took one. I woke up at 12am.  The voice in my head reminded me I had one more hour to get booze. I went back to sleep. I woke up at 3 am and the voice was  pissed! “Now we’re fucked, we’ll have to wait until tomorrow morning to get booze, great job!”

I woke up this morning and the first thing I thought was “DRINK!”  I thought, fuck, I’m seriously screwed today, how do I get through this?  I put on my running shoes and stepped outside.

It was raining lightly this morning and I thought that would help to wash away the pain I was feeling. I decide to run until the voice stopped. One hour, 22 minutes and seven miles later the voice in my head went away. By the end of my run, soaking wet, because a small drizzle had turned into a heavy rain,  I was at peace.

“Ha, take that!”, I thought. It’s mine and you can’t have it! “I’m having a good day today!”  Today is my day 52 and I wasn’t going to give it up.

So It’s been awhile..

I haven’t been writing as much, just working lately, doing, changing, actions, no longer just words.

I’ve been working on letting go, something I find I have an incredibly hard time doing.  I’m still constantly punishing myself for my past choices in life and thinking that my life is still not good enough, or perfect or whatever. I have guilt that I’m trying to let go of two, for the things I’ve done while drinking.  the other day I was sitting down with my life coach, yes I have one, and she told me I was great, doing wonderful.  No need for perfection.  She asked me to sit down and make a list of three things I loved the most about sobriety and myself right now. So, here we go…

1. SOBER SLEEP – Yup, I never thought it was possible to sleep through the night.  I would often wake up in the middle of the night with horrible nightmares and not be able to get back to sleep.  Thoughts would race through my head as I stared at the ceiling until the sun rose. Now I sleep through the night, no more sweats either.  I find when I wake up, it’s from a pleasant or weird dream and I calmly find myself drifting back to sleep again. IT IS AMAZING

2. LESS ANXIETY – I thought I had a serious, incurable form of anxiety. True it started that way, just anxiety when I was 23. I had my first panic attack, no drinking was involved.  I had a mild case of PTSD from a vicious assault earlier that year.  But never less, as the year went on my anxiety got worse, and worse. Eventually, I started to drink to keep it at bay. It got to the point that my doctor had me on three to four different pills every day.  When I would awake in the morning it was the worse! I would be taking Xanax, volume and Ativan all day.  This was  usually combined with a sleeping pill at night, “I Never slept” and antidepressant as well.  As soon as I came to the realization that I am an alcoholic and told my doctor, we changed all my scripts.  I take just a mild antidepressant at night that also helps me sleep.  This whole time I thought was going to die of a panic attack or the amount of pills it took to keep them at bay. Turns out it was my drinking that made it worse. I can now wake up in the morning without racing thought and haven’t had a panic attack in over six months.

3.MYSELF – OK, I’m still working on this one.  But for once I have dreams and hopes.  I no longer have this feeling of being stuck forever and not knowing how to change. I have goals, that I’m actually reaching. I have plans, that I have actually followed through on, and most of all I have hope.  I didn’t have any hope for myself for a long time.  Those of you who have been drinking the way I did, everyday after work and most of the weekend get it.  I felt like I was stuck and just going to keep on doing what I was doing because there was no way to stop.  I would die this way. Lonely for sure and without my children.  I didn’t know how long it would take, but I could see it coming.  Now that I’m not drinking I have “Me” back. I’m changing and still evolving and constantly reminding myself of the way it was so I never go back there.