Gratitude

I’ve been away for awhile. A lot has been going on in my life and I find when the going gets tough, I go to meetings. I reach out, I call other women and pray. I just don’t want to write.

With these things, even through the hardest of times, I get to stay sober. I continue on my path and find grace in what god gives me every day.

It’s hard to stay positive. I have a violent 14 year old son diagnosed with Autism who has been hurting others. I want nothing more than anything for him to find his path. I want him to figure out how to uncross his wires in his brain and be a successful human being.

Maybe he needs medication. Maybe it’s therapeutic interactions. We aren’t sure and whatever we do hasn’t helped so far. Nothing has gotten better and the miracle I pray for every day hasn’t happened as of yet.

This thanksgiving our table had one empty plate. His name slipped off the tip of my tounge a few times to call him downstairs to dinner, but he is not here.

I find it extremely hard to have gratitude in him being away in treatment. I question why god would let me get sober and not help him. I often wonder..”Why God would make a child like this. Why would he make such a little person with such big challenges to overcome in life?”

My gratitude for today is the ability to be sober and present in my family’s life in every way possible. I spent my day surrounded in not only deep love but unconditional support.

MessyJessy

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6 thoughts on “Gratitude

  1. I know some of your sadness as you are already aware. But trust….that God has a bigger plan in mind for all of it. We don’t always get to know the reasons. At least not right away. But you and I have to trust that things are exactly as they are supposed to be right now.

    Cry if you want to. Pray. Listen quietly and patiently for the answers. Have faith. These are some of the lessons we are meant to learn. Lessons that He knows we need to learn.

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  2. “Autism….it’s not for wimps” I found that cute meme that I showed my 17 year old autistic son. He totally agreed! My 14 year old’s good friend with autism was just expelled from school for violent behavior. He is of course always an angel at my house because we “get” him here. My child mellowed through early puberty but the special ed teachers told me to watch for the violent changes that can happen during puberty. Do you have a good resource person outside of school? I found school was my worst resource. Another parent who had gone this road before me was the best help. I still live a little in fear of the next melt down, but it doesn’t control our life like it used to. We have a family plan to keep us all safe. My son has learned a lot of his triggers and is able to make good choices. He didn’t even know, couldn’t comprehend, that he had autism until he was 14. That horrible year was the beginning of solutions and understanding and my finally letting go of the grief of the diagnosis.

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    1. Wow thank you. My son was in a specialized school for 5 years. He’s had a behavior couch and also a therapist that did house visits once a week for a few years. We have all these people around us yet the outburst have gotten so bad the state just removed him from the home. I need to reach out to other families in this situation. It’s been our “dirty” little secret for the last ten years. It’s would probably be good to talk to other like us.

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      1. I understand about the secret feeling. When my ex left me for a 21 year old, (20 years younger than me) the new girlfriend told everyone I had Munchaussen Syndrome (sp. The one where the mom makes up her child’s illness to get attention) I was forced out of Scouts because we needed special help and the told I was immoral for being divorced. It is hard beyond words how cruel others with their own agenda can be. Hopefully where your son is, there are parent support groups. They only answer I know is that I will do whatever weird things ( all green food) it takes for my child to feel safe. I don’t punish bad behavior or attach any meaning to a meltdown. When it’s over we work on the sensory issues that led up to it. Was it a smell, a taste, a noise, too much sugar, no protein, needing a shower, alone time, bright lights? My son has learned to notice his triggers earlier. He does have boundaries. No driving when angry. Can’t run away from home for more than 2 hours without calling. It’s scary when you can’t lock them in or roll them up in a blanket to keep them safe.

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