Fear

Fear is really what it boiled down to for me.  Fear of not knowing what was going to happen next.  That was it..not being able to predict the future.

It was a regular week for me.  Sitting in self pity about my drinking problem.  I felt like shit when I didn’t have a drink and even worse when I did. MY life on the outside seemed great.  Good job, big house, husband, kids, a nice car.  Everything on the outside looked so pretty.  If only you could look in and see the real me.

Finally, I had found myself sitting in my bedroom, with a bottle of pills in one hand and a bottle of booze in the other.  I was in tears writing out my goodbye letter to my kids and husband.  I couldn’t take it any more.  This had to stop somehow.

I didn’t take the pills that night.  I’m not sure why but I threw them in my top drawer and cried myself to sleep.  I woke up the next morning and vowed to never take another drink .  By the next day I was drinking again.

I’ve heard a many times the sense of hopelessness that one feels as an alcoholic.  I had never really understood what that had meant until the very moment the glass of wine hit my lips. I knew  it was bad, I knew I didn’t want to keep drinking like this, yet my brain kept saying “Just one drink.”

That was the bottom for me. It was it, the moment that I realized there was nothing I could do to help myself.  I got on my knees and prayed.  What happened to me over the course of the next five weeks was nothing short of a miracle.

I gave over my will to god and asked for help and it came.  I don’t know how or why it works the way it does,but I have started on a new journey of sobriety and I’m currently 41 days strong.

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