You can’t have it!

So the other woman called my hubby last night. Actually it was her new boyfriend. Lovely, they know each other because they use to work together.(Nice to know she’s keeping it in the workplace still, management must be so proud.) He called to asked something about how he cooked a steak or some other bullshit. Basically to fuck with us, I mean me.  Huge trigger by the way when this stuff comes up and it’s been two years.

So. BIG HUGE FIGHT WITH HUBBY. Actually, it only lasted 3 minutes.  I took the advise of a blogger on here and when huge trigger shit comes up, Belle says go to bed. So, I went to bed! First thing as I climbed into bed sobbing was my voice in my head “Let’s go get a bottle of wine, it’ll make us feel better.”

My doctor recognizes I have and alcohol problem but also panic attacks are a real thing for me.  I get ten Ativan a year for emergencies. I went down stairs and took an anxiety pill. It’s been five months since I took one. I woke up at 12am.  The voice in my head reminded me I had one more hour to get booze. I went back to sleep. I woke up at 3 am and the voice was  pissed! “Now we’re fucked, we’ll have to wait until tomorrow morning to get booze, great job!”

I woke up this morning and the first thing I thought was “DRINK!”  I thought, fuck, I’m seriously screwed today, how do I get through this?  I put on my running shoes and stepped outside.

It was raining lightly this morning and I thought that would help to wash away the pain I was feeling. I decide to run until the voice stopped. One hour, 22 minutes and seven miles later the voice in my head went away. By the end of my run, soaking wet, because a small drizzle had turned into a heavy rain,  I was at peace.

“Ha, take that!”, I thought. It’s mine and you can’t have it! “I’m having a good day today!”  Today is my day 52 and I wasn’t going to give it up.

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2 thoughts on “You can’t have it!

  1. Everything I’ve ever read on here, this is by far one of the bravest posts.
    That phone call must’ve been so difficult to deal with. Well done, on everything, running, not drinking, well done seems inconsequential but good for you man.

    Liked by 1 person

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