So It’s been awhile..

I haven’t been writing as much, just working lately, doing, changing, actions, no longer just words.

I’ve been working on letting go, something I find I have an incredibly hard time doing.  I’m still constantly punishing myself for my past choices in life and thinking that my life is still not good enough, or perfect or whatever. I have guilt that I’m trying to let go of two, for the things I’ve done while drinking.  the other day I was sitting down with my life coach, yes I have one, and she told me I was great, doing wonderful.  No need for perfection.  She asked me to sit down and make a list of three things I loved the most about sobriety and myself right now. So, here we go…

1. SOBER SLEEP – Yup, I never thought it was possible to sleep through the night.  I would often wake up in the middle of the night with horrible nightmares and not be able to get back to sleep.  Thoughts would race through my head as I stared at the ceiling until the sun rose. Now I sleep through the night, no more sweats either.  I find when I wake up, it’s from a pleasant or weird dream and I calmly find myself drifting back to sleep again. IT IS AMAZING

2. LESS ANXIETY – I thought I had a serious, incurable form of anxiety. True it started that way, just anxiety when I was 23. I had my first panic attack, no drinking was involved.  I had a mild case of PTSD from a vicious assault earlier that year.  But never less, as the year went on my anxiety got worse, and worse. Eventually, I started to drink to keep it at bay. It got to the point that my doctor had me on three to four different pills every day.  When I would awake in the morning it was the worse! I would be taking Xanax, volume and Ativan all day.  This was  usually combined with a sleeping pill at night, “I Never slept” and antidepressant as well.  As soon as I came to the realization that I am an alcoholic and told my doctor, we changed all my scripts.  I take just a mild antidepressant at night that also helps me sleep.  This whole time I thought was going to die of a panic attack or the amount of pills it took to keep them at bay. Turns out it was my drinking that made it worse. I can now wake up in the morning without racing thought and haven’t had a panic attack in over six months.

3.MYSELF – OK, I’m still working on this one.  But for once I have dreams and hopes.  I no longer have this feeling of being stuck forever and not knowing how to change. I have goals, that I’m actually reaching. I have plans, that I have actually followed through on, and most of all I have hope.  I didn’t have any hope for myself for a long time.  Those of you who have been drinking the way I did, everyday after work and most of the weekend get it.  I felt like I was stuck and just going to keep on doing what I was doing because there was no way to stop.  I would die this way. Lonely for sure and without my children.  I didn’t know how long it would take, but I could see it coming.  Now that I’m not drinking I have “Me” back. I’m changing and still evolving and constantly reminding myself of the way it was so I never go back there.

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