I’m learning how to deal with stress and anxiety in different ways. I really thought about it and I think that’s my biggest road block, not the drinking itself. Me not knowing how to handle tough moments in life. That’s what always brings me right back to it.
In the past, when I felt anxious, even as a child, I reached for something. I started using drugs at 13 years old till I was 19, hard drugs, not your standard pot. After a few years of sobriety I started to drink, when I felt bad. I don’t think I have ever really had a time in my life when I just work through the feelings I’m having. The big ugly scary ones..
I realized that last night. After my first pledge to stop drinking yet again. I got an unpleasant phone call from a wife that use to work with my husband. His old mistress was now sleeping with her husband and she wanted me to help her in getting her fired. I almost loss it.
The first thing I thought was,”Drink!” I mean come on!! How long is this going to follow me around for years? and today? Today out of all days, REALLY??? I hung up and blocked her number. First time I didn’t lose it all over again on him and I’m trying to just let it go today and focus on whats important me.
I got on my blog and started reading about mental health and anxiety. It passed and I went to sleep by 12 am. I had nightmares all night and would wake in a panic, then go back to sleep and it would happen all over gain. But you know what? I woke up this morning and after a shower and some coffee I feel better. I’m glad I didn’t drink. I was surprised after my vow for the day, how quick my brain goes straight to drinking. I’m exploring this with my therapist this week. Hopefully she can provide some help.