Nothing is as it seems..

Part 2

The first few days were pure pain.  I went cold turkey no alcohol, no meds.  Not the brightest thing, but that was me.  All or nothing.  I found over the first few days I would stutter, I could not find my words and found it hard to make eye contact with the other girls.  What I did find was.. I did not fit in.  I was looked at, jugged.  I heard a group of girls say one day, look at that fancy bitch with all her poor problems. Bottom line is everyone’s bottom is different.  I did not need to take to the streets or lose everything first.  I was trying to stop the downward momentum.  I thought what I was doing would help, it didn’t.

I spent the first week just plain and simple finding myself. Who am I? How do I sleep? What do I like to eat? How do I feel?

I stayed sober and after two weeks I WENT BACK TO WORK.  My first day I was by myself, sorting, organizing my office.  I think everyone knew I needed space and they gave it to me.  What I did find odd was no phone calls from my husband, not a check in or visit on Sunday, family day. He was busy at work.  This would begin our two-year fight about how his work was so hard and how he had to stay long hours to make ends meet. He would go hours on end talking about how he was stepping up to take care of the family, but it was all a sham.

Two weeks into treatment and I was allowed to go to work.  I had a bit of freedom. I had a car. We never did have to sell his thanks to this great gift I was given.

After a few weeks of no check-ins, no late night I love you’s, I stared snooping. Sure enough a number kept popping up. First thing in the morning, at lunch for half an hour and at the end of the day. Hours and hours of phone calls to who we will call The Hill Billy slut. Never-less I was scared and confused. I thought I went away to save my family, not to lose it. Unfortunately, the hubs had something else on his mind.

Three weeks in, I needed a curling iron, something I had forgotten, dugh, while packing.  I rushed home at lunch, against the rules, but how would they know?  I came in the front door and PANIC was what I saw on his face. I’ve seen that look. I immediately started going through the house looking for “Her”.  I had been here before. I found NOTHING.

I asked, “What’s going on today?”  The baby asleep in his bed and the oldest still at School.  “Nothing, he said?” “How long are you staying?”

lies After that I decided an hour. Hmm, take that and your shit ass plan that I can’t figure out.

But, the genius that my husband may be, he still took her to lunch, put it on our credit card and tried to lie about it. We fought for an hour on the phone that day. Finally, I retreated, I had to go to group. I hated where I was! I hated being trapped away.  All of a sudden working on me was not so important. I was obsessed. Was I crazy like he said? Was my new sobriety clouding my judgment? I let my intuition slide, I stopped trusting in myself and moved on. Biggest mistake ever.

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