Yesterday was tough and I know I’m going to have many more days like that.
I was a ball of emotions and had rolling panic attacks. On the way home I got into a slight fender bender and erupted. I was a crying mess, finally. I managed to go get the kids and muster home after my day. I feed the little monsters and curled into bed with a cup of tea. I was completely spent and yet I did not drink.
Today, I decided to stay home and take a mental health day. I realized that me at work a mess and unfocused wasn’t worth it. I decide I would curl up on the couch with my little and watch bad lifetime T.V all day
My first mistake was keeping my four-year old at home with me, ha, relax, I think not. Before noon he had managed to find the Kat Von D, bright coral lipstick and paint the carpet in his brother’s room. I spent the next two hours trying to get it out of the carpet and off of him. To my surprise the carpet looks pretty good, his face on the other hand may be stained for a day or two.
I spent most of the morning just reflecting on life and kind of where I’m at. I’m sober, I can wake up in the morning without feeling hung over. I’m angry and I don’t know when or how to let that go. I’m depressed.
I called my doctor today and made an appointment. When the receptionist asked why I needed to be seen, I stressed, what do I tell her? Depression, anxiety, alcoholism? I just spurted out mental health. They got me right in, she must have thought I was a loony.
I let my doctor know what was going on and surprisingly enough. He told me he didn’t know if he had a pill to fix me and that he wanted me to find a therapist to talk to. I have two weeks to report back with a name. I have currently left two messages with people who didn’t look to bad online.
I decide for lunch that I wanted to cook. I haven’t been eating much lately due to stress. Some people find food as comfort for stress, but for me being a recovering bulimic as well, I try to stay away from it in stressful times.
The point of the matter is today is the first day in three weeks that I have stopped obsessing and started doing. I didn’t complete a lot today and have a lot of work ahead of me. But for the first time in a long time, I’m realizing that while working on your recovery, you also have to work on yourself.
Thank you to all of you that have been reading these past few weeks. I appreciate the support.