Stuck!

So I found myself in the middle of argument that unveiled another lie today.  It’s  wasn’t a big lie, or even the first one and quite frankly actually very smallstuck-in-the-middle-1024x1024 compared to those of the past.  Only, this time it made me realize that I truly don’t know the person standing in front of me.  It’s a harsh reality, especial on thanksgiving.

I spent the day thinking about lying, why someone lies.  Why I’ve lied in the past and what I thought I was accomplishing by doing so and pondering why someone would lie about their whole life….

Don’t get me wrong, I’m an alcoholic and have lied through quite a bit of my life, but at the end of the day it was to hide who I hated the most, the real me.

What does one think they will accomplish by lying all the time?  Do they truly believe that everyone around them thinks they are telling the truth?

Today I got into a stupid argument with my husband.  He’s been abusing coke and stimulants since we met.  He would disappear for days on end and come home hours after worked close many times.  Today we were talking and he causally mentioned he had never been to his drug dealer’s house, it was just a phone call away.  For me this was a flood of emotions, every time he was home late or didn’t come home, that’s where he said he was. It dawned on me, where was he for the past year??

I have worked on myself and to better my family.  I take care of the children full-time, sometimes two weeks on end.  I switch schools, arrange new daycare’s, pay all the bills , navigate our healthcare system for or sons upcoming surgery, reserve moving trucks, pack boxes,find storage units, go to doctors appointments, deal with lawyers,hand surgeons, school districts and build a new house all while managing a small business.

Today he came home, I knew this would happen.  He told me I was a nagging bitch.  He says ” I’m not super man!” I’ve heard this sob story before. Don’t get me wrong, he works hard but I told him I don’t need superman!  I need an adult, a husband that can help.  I NEED help.  It was the down fall of our day.

Today was shit, I drank two drinks and retreated to bed.  My life seems stuck, stuck forever.

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2 thoughts on “Stuck!

  1. Arguments happen, bad days happen. sober and drunk… These are the challenges you are being confronted with for a reason. To give you practice in finding new ways of dealing with life’s ups and downs…how you choose to respond and approach these events is totally up to you. You can do this.. Don’t be hard on yourself. things do suck from time to time, Drinking isn’t going to make it better. You are not perfect, and neither is he.

    Is he still using?? the challenge for you to stay sober if he is still using does seem like a pretty huge mountain to climb.

    Annie
    xx

    Liked by 1 person

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