Fake it until you make it?


fake_it

Do you ever feel like a fake, a phony, a fraud?

I have felt that way much of my life — very much.

Today I was sitting down talking to my boss and he gave one of the biggest compliments.  He said he was speaking with upper management and they are opening a new location.  He asked who was the best to train the new office manager and without a hesitation all three of them mentioned my name. This is not the first time something like this has happened. If they only knew……

My whole life anytime I landed a new job, revived a promotion or got an award I’ve always felt that is was some sort of mistake, like an exception was made for me and that I really didn’t deserve it.  I mean come on. I wore my flaws on my sleeve and was always waiting for the powers-that-be to find out and get rid of me.

 That has actually never happened. Very few people know I’m an alcoholic. Actually, most think I don’t even drink, because I would normally only drink at night and at home. But yet it’s never calmed my fears.

Even when I received awards, positive feedback and praise, I still felt a gnawing discomfort that I just didn’t belong.

I have worried about keeping up, regularly questioned my intelligence and abilities and felt insecure all-around most of my life.

If only they knew who I really was.  All of this must be a mistake.  I’m an alcoholic, my life is a shit mess.  I barely make it to work most days and some days I have nothing to give but 50%.  Is my 50% really more than those around me? I can hardly believe that.

They say fake it till you make it.  But what if you have made it by faking it, what happens now?  What happens when I start to be my true self, will people still think I’m amazing, will they catch on that I’m struggling day by day to stay sober?  Will I slip up and actually mention my meetings, AA or sobriety?  What happens in life if you feel like you’ve faked it for the last twelve years and suddenly you have to start being yourself?

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4 thoughts on “Fake it until you make it?

  1. This is a really intense blog post. I always find it interesting that we’re (sometimes) more ashamed of admitting we go to AA meetings than admitting we drink every night. It’s funny how that works.
    But I’m sure with time you’ll start feeling like you deserve everything you earn in life. Slowly, you’ll get further and further away from the last time you drank, and you’re going to feel fantastic.
    Thanks so much for sharing 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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