The other day my husband called and could hear me typing away on the computer. He asked what I was doing and I politely replied “Nothing.”
I could tell this hurt his feelings, so I told him I was blogging to release anxiety about the upcoming weekend. “Blogging, he said? When did this start?” “Can I read it?”
I started to explained to him that I had quit drinking last week and that I was looking for a way to get what’s in my head out without bothering those around me. (He works 3 hours way and is gone sometimes two weeks at a time or more.) He asked that I include him and talk to him about what’s going on. He said he wanted to be there and help in any way he could.
See, the problem is we’ve never had a great relationship. Last time I went away for treatment he took advantage of it and started an affair with his boss. It lasted almost a year and devastated me and the children. I found out about it much later. After, I had poured my heart out and thought that I had a shoulder to lean on, some sort of support system from a friend, I was completely crushed.
In a million years I never thought that he would take advantage of me. I thought he loved me, I thought he was my best friend. I feel like I deserved it for putting him through my drinking problem. I started drinking heaving again as soon as I found out to numb the pain.
I let him know this time around I really wanted to try to figure out thing’s myself first. I told him I would try to include him, but honestly, I really don’t want to have to rely on him for anything right now. I’m scared if I include him on this sober journey that it won’t be successful. I’m too scared to let him back in.