If you lived in my house you would know how big of a deal it is for me to even say this. In my house I teach the children that when choosing their words, hate, should be used very rarely.
Hate is such a strong word. Dislike, irritate, horrible, annoying…those are much more suitable words used to describe something you don’t like.
Nerveless, right now I’m hating the upcoming weekend. This will not be first weekend I’m sober. I have been sober when friends are in town and I have to entertain. I’ve been the DD on the weekends to clubs, I’ve been court ordered and in the presence of those who know I have a drinking problem, but this will be the first weekend that I’m sober by choice.
Today, for the first day in many nights at 4:30 pm my brain said, “Let’s have a drink tonight.”
I knew it was coming. My old habit of making it through the long work week and rewarding myself for a job well done. I would usually come home and open one, then two bottles of white wine and help myself until I’d fall asleep on the couch, wake up at 3 am, then drag myself to bed.
The anticipation of curling up on the couch and having a glass of Chardonnay after a long day of packing and cleaning that I have ahead of me tomorrow sounds pleasureful. The problem is, I don’t know how to have just one glass of wine. Even if I managed to somehow have one glass I know there is always the possibility that my brain will go into override and say “More, more, more.”
This will be the first weekend I’m not pretending to be sober and making a conscious decision to be. The weekend ahead of me is uncharted waters….