Inside Out

Continuous effort – not strength or intelligence –is the key to unlocking our potential.  – Liane Cordes

Perseverance may be my greatest asset.   I have tried before to quit.   I have had four days, sixteen days and even five months once.  But one thing I never felt I had been, was free from my bind with alcohol.

I use to think in my mind that I would have to quit drinking forever. When I use to say it out loud it sounded so sad.  Almost like a punishment.  An unspeakable task at hand.  I mean how can anyone stop drinking forever?

Now when I say it out loud, it feels a bit different.  It feels like a release.  It’s the kind of feeling you get after you purge your whole house of all the junk you’ve been hording for the last ten

I have been hoarding my alcoholism for over ten years.  I kept it tucked away back in a closet and tried to keep the door shut so no one would see it.  The problem was, I KNEW it’s there. Every day, I knew what I was hiding.  I would tell myself, no one can see it, but I was wrong.  My mess of a life had already starting to overfill my secret hiding place and find its way out. I spent the last few years struggling to push it back in, hide it away and pretend like life is normal.

I think I use to do that because; secretly I wanted to keep my addiction.  I wanted people to think that I was normal, so I could allow myself to drink again.  I wanted to hide all the internal struggles I was having so I could have a drink again. I wanted to be able to go to Thanksgiving and have a glass of wine.  I wanted to go to dinner parties and drink like everyone else was.  Finally, I have grasped that my real problem is; I’m not like everyone else. I’m different. I am an alcoholic.

I have unlocked that dark closet and started to empty it out.  I have at last decided to let all my insides out..


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